


The House That Built Me

by aubadezayn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Castiel, Children, Dean Plays Guitar, Decisions Lots of Decisions, Domestic, Domestic Castiel, EXTREMELY unresearched adoption process, Estranged Marriage, Estrangement, Ethnicity, Famous Dean, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fathers!Destiel, Gardener Castiel, Happy Ending, Interior Decorating, M/M, Manipulation, Minor Gabriel/Kali (Supernatural), Parents Castiel & Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, eventually, five years apart, just doing whatever i want with it, labor, lying, rockstar dean winchester, rockstar!dean, trying to mend a marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 15:55:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 32,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4841486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aubadezayn/pseuds/aubadezayn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is a rockstar; a huge one with ongoing tours, interviews on every radio and television network and girls and guys alike wanting his autograph. Before that though, he was someone else. Before the tours, before the fame, when the only songs he sang were played on acoustic guitar late at night - he was Dean Winchester, husband and best friend to Castiel Winchester.</p><p>Everyone knows his name now, hell people have it tattooed on them. No one knows Castiel’s name. Not even his wikipedia page, that has the details of what toothpaste he favors, ever mentions the man he’s legally tied to, even five years after being picked up by Lafitte Records.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. going home is always hard

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I started this fic because I couldn't get it out of my mind, and I posted it on tumblr [here](http://castielspicelatte.tumblr.com/post/129504917132/the-house-that-built-me) and it got such a wonderful reaction I decided to continue it! You can reblog that post, and message me [with anything!](http://castielspicelatte.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I also have a tag on my blog that I've started for the fic, messages about it, pictures that inspire, music, etc. That can be found [here](http://castielspicelatte.tumblr.com/tagged/thtbm)
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

Dean is a rockstar; a huge one with ongoing tours, interviews on every radio and television network and girls and guys alike wanting his autograph. Before that though, he was someone else. Before the tours, before the fame, when the only songs he sang were played on acoustic guitar late at night - he was Dean Winchester, husband and best friend to Castiel Winchester.

Everyone knows his name now, hell people have it tattooed on them. No one knows Castiel’s name. Not even his wikipedia page, that has the details of what toothpaste he favors, ever mentions the man he’s legally tied to, even five years after being picked up by Lafitte Records.

Maybe that’s why his palms sweat so much as he stares up at the house. Seated on a hill surrounded by large ancient trees, built with their own four hands, was their home. Four bedrooms - one for them, one for guests and two for the little boy (Aiden) and the little girl (Mary) they’d planned to adopt together. A home where Cas had fucked Dean on every tile of their kitchen, where every room had their handprints painted into the plaster, where the hardwood had been meticulously picked out. He could still smell the wood samples, laid out in a big binder Cas got from the interior designer, as Cas deliberated late at night, waking Dean up for opinions.

He could see Cas, in the flashbacks of a camera in his mind, smiling and laughing as they painted the nursery. The walls were a soft purple. Mary was going to be their first. Dean got the call from Benny a couple months later and the adoption papers got replaced by record signings. The nursery was forgotten, the wolves Cas had painted onto the walls fading every time Dean was too busy. Every time he came home late and Cas was already asleep in the guest bedroom.

His jaw tightens in the present, his gut twisting as the house gets closer. The guitar feels heavy and stifling against his back, and though he’s become so used to having it on him, it feels sacrilegious to bring it here. He pauses at the base of the long driveway and thinks about turning back. It’s been five years since he set foot on this asphalt, and though he tries to fight it every bone in his body feels wrong. He feels like an intruder in a home he helped physically build.

He turns around halfway and sees the impala parked half on the empty street. Leaving is cowardly, but he’s done it before. He could do it again.

Instead, even though his feet itch to run with every step, he perseveres. The driveway seems too long and too short and he gets to the house before he’s ready.

There’s a garden sprawled in the front yard that wasn’t there when he was. It has flowers of all kinds, sprawling and sprouting and adding color to the house. If he remembers the term correctly, Cas used to be very concerned about “curb appeal”. There’s a huge plotted cactus by the two car garage, placed slightly in front of the second garage door. Dean doesn’t think about how he’d measured the garage’s dimensions eighty times to make sure it would fit his Baby perfectly. He doesn’t think about finishing the garage and fucking Cas on his work table, spilling floor plans and measurements onto the floor in their haste.

He doesn’t.

The windows are void of life and the front door has a screen on it which is new. Dean doesn’t want to touch it, feeling like he’s violating Cas’ domain, but he has to so that he can reach the doorbell. He can hear the gentle chime they’d picked out, but no feet. No voices. Maybe Cas isn’t even here. Maybe the garden is kept up just for appearances, maybe for curb appeal. He’s about to turn around and run when the lock clicks open and his heart drops.

“Hello, Dean.”

——

Cas is every bit as beautiful as he was five years prior, and the deepening of his laugh lines has only made him more so. They don’t talk, besides a few quiet commands to remove his jacket and guitar at the front room. Cas doesn’t seem surprised to see him, but he’s not happy or excited either.

He asks Dean if he wants tea or coffee, and patiently waits for which one as Dean hovers in the front hallway awkwardly. “Uh, coffee.” Dean blurts out, wincing when he remembers that Cas was a tea freak. He used to insist Dean drink it all the time, for his heart, for his stress, for Cas.

Dean would whine, sipping from one of Cas’ ancient fragile teacups and moaning about how real men drank coffee. He could still feel Cas’ weight sprawled on his back, his husband’s strong arms around his neck as he hugged him from behind in comfort. He used to do anything for Cas, especially drink tea every day.

Cas doesn’t seem to remember that though, he just nods and walks off to the kitchen. The house has a mostly open floorplan and the kitchen is separated only by a huge island from the living room. The living room isn’t at all how Dean left it, he realizes and he can’t help the gasp when he sees it.

Of course it’s beautiful, anything Cas designs would be. But everything that was Dean and Cas about it is gone. Their soft, black leather couch with recliners was replaced with a big brown sectional covered in throw pillows. The flooring which had been beautiful mahogany hardwood (Dean can still smell the wood sample) was replaced with thick off-white carpet. Their television used to be mounted on the wall with no extras besides speakers around it, now their is a massive floor to ceiling cabinet(?) with a large tv and lots of storage. There are candles half melted all over it, and Dean’s chest wretches at the idea of Cas burning those with some other man.

“It’s all gone.” He gasps, moving into the room and seeing that even the fireplace he’d installed was empty and looked unused. Cas had been excited about that when he’d first brought it up.

“Yes.” Cas answered from the kitchen. His voice was devoid of emotion and his back was set tight to Dean, as he watched a cheap coffee pot fill. Dean was surprised a coffee pot was even allowed in the house but that was by far the most temperate change. The kitchen had suffered too, it’s overhanging hooks for pots and pans gone and replaced by a chandelier. The backsplash was square instead of diamond and a champagne color Dean certaintly hadn’t approved. Thankfully the tile was the same, and the marble was still there.

Cas turned around and sadly his face gave nothing away. Dean couldn’t seem to wet his dry mouth and was immensely thankful for the steaming cup of coffee placed on the counter in front of him. They still didn’t speak, Cas flipping through papers on the island lazily like he barely noticed his husband was there. If it wasn’t for the barest tremble of his fingers and the tightness of his posture, Dean might believe Cas was unaffected by his presence.

Dean took advantage of Cas’ avoidance to really look and study his husband. Cas had finally abandoned the trenchcoat-or-hoodie phase apparently, and become a casual lumberjack. Not that red flannel didn’t look amazing on Cas’ skin, and especially rolled up his toned forearms. Cas’ hands were gentle as ever in their motion but Dean couldn’t help feel they looked older, more experienced. He wouldn’t have been able to describe that feeling vocally, but he felt the difference in his gut.

He didn’t know those hands. He hadn’t kissed those palms or sucked those fingers, and he certainly hadn’t removed the wedding ring from the ring finger. Maybe that was the only difference, maybe he’d imagined the rest.

Cas looked only marginally older and his hair was peppered oh so lightly with grey at the temples. He looked strong and sturdy and warm, he looked like a home Dean had forgotten he had.

“Where’s your ring?” Dean blurted out, his chest cracked open and his heart leaking out. There wasn’t a tan line anymore where Cas’ ring should have been.

“The Atlantic Ocean, I believe.” Cas didn’t look up, a pen suddenly in hand and making quick motions on a legal pad. “I had Gabriel drop it for me on one of his trips to Miami.”

Dean’s stomach twisted, the image of Cas’ wedding ring floating to the bottom of the ocean weaving through his mind sadly. The indent on the inside, meant to leave a little mark over time on Cas’ skin, had read Dean, just as the one on a string around Dean’s neck still read Castiel. He hadn’t even disposed of it himself, Dean realized suddenly, and the image of Gabriel casually tossing the ring into the ocean, a damn lollipop in his mouth, was even worse.

“Oh.” Dean said softly, his hands tight around his coffee mug. Castiel murmured agreement but didn’t look up or engage him. Dean wanted to leave, his skin was crawling here but he had to stay. He had to get through this.

“How is Gabriel?” Dean asked, not really caring but desperate to hear more of Cas’ voice. Gravelly but soft, stern but light no one Dean had met in five years sounded like Cas.

“He married Kali. They have a daughter named Aditi. She stays over sometimes, we make cookies.” Cas still wouldn’t look at him, and he said everything with the same detached reciting voice like he was reading a groceries list aloud.

“That’s great!” Dean enthused, trying too hard and wincing at himself. He was making a fool of himself and probably just opening old wounds for Cas, there was no reason for him to be here, he should just-

“How is Pamela?” Cas’ voice was suddenly very similar to sucking snake venom out of a wound, and though it wasn’t Dean’s preferred topic it was better than their prior ones.

“She’s good! She’s learning to play bass again, now that her eyes have healed enough to stop hurting and let her get out of bed.” Pamela had developed a disease a year ago that rotted the tissue in her optic nerve, and since she’d been off tour and out of the studio. Finally though she was getting back in the music, and Dean couldn’t be prouder.

“The media believes you and her are fucking.” Cas was back with his pen and pad but Dean didn’t miss the tender crack in his voice. He wanted to reach across and hold those hands he didn’t know but he couldn’t, not yet.

“We’re not, Cas.”

“My name is _Castiel_.” He snapped, tossing the pen down and turning away. Cas’ back was so tense Dean could practically see the lines of his muscles, so he took the high road.

“I’m sorry, Cas-Castiel. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He hadn’t. He’d only come here to apologize, to fix this, to at the very least finally get the divorce they both deserved - but never to hurt Cas.


	2. the hole where you were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is more the pt. 2 of chapter one, since when I posted chapter one on Tumblr I hadn't expected such a good reaction and wasn't planning on more? But now there's more!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COME YELL ABOUT DEAN AND CAS ON TUMBLR WITH ME: [CASTIELSPICELATTE](http://castielspicelatte.tumblr.com)

_“I’m sorry, Cas-Castiel. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He hadn’t. He’d only come here to apologize, to fix this, to at the very least finally get the divorce they both deserved - but never to hurt Cas._

Cas sighed again and rubbed his hands down his face. "I'm sorry. I-it's been a long time, Dean. Things have changed."

Of course, Dean thought. He hadn't been famous when he met Cas, he hadn't been "known" when he married Cas, he hadn't had people all over the world wanting a piece of him when he and Cas built this damn house. Things had certainly changed, and god damn it he'd let them change. He'd made the changes himself, how could he ever think they could just go back?

"Maybe I should just go..." Dean suggested, staring down at his hands on the counter top. When he came here, he thought it would be rough. That maybe Cas would have changed the paint on the living room walls, might have changed the part of his hair, maybe had even moved on from him. He had no idea how terrible it would feel to see the change, to see that the hole he'd left in Cas' life was still there just patched around the corners, lived through.

There was gnawing guilt in his stomach and he was just about to give into it and leave, when the doorbell rang. Cas' head shot up like a bullet, staring blankly past Dean.   
For a second, Dean's stomach dropped to the floor. Was this it? Was that a boyfriend? A girlfriend? A partner? Had Cas moved on and Dean was going to have to face the actual person? The regret for having come here twisted at Dean's chest. Suddenly Cas met his eyes, and the panic in Cas' made Dean all the more nervous.

"You don't get to yell and I want you to let me explain. Understand?" Cas demanded as the doorbell rang again. Dean nodded blankly and watched Cas hurry to get the door. Dean stood up from his stool moving closer to the door, but his feet wouldn't carry him all the way into the front hall. Past Cas, through the open door, Dean couldn't see a man.

Maybe it was a very short woman, behind Cas.

"Sup, bro!" Gabriel suddenly popped into the doorway, squeezing his way past Cas into the house. "How's- Dean! Whoa, haven't seen you 'round here in a long time." Cas was still at the door, talking furiously to someone Dean couldn't see. Maybe it was Kali, maybe she wanted to fry Dean for leaving. It warmed his heart for a moment that Cas might be defending him.

"Yeah, hi Gabriel." Dean and Gabriel had never really gotten along, since Gabriel was a major asshole on purpose, and Dean was the man marrying his brother. But they'd always been mostly civil to each other, for Cas' sake. "How you been? Heard you have a daughter?"

"Did ya?" Gabriel's smile split open his face like a fortune cookie it was so bright and mocking. Dean wasn't sure what was so funny but that smile made his skin crawl. It was the exact smile Gabriel had on his face at their wedding, when Castiel's brother Michael had finally cracked during the ceremony and stood up and objected their union. It was the same smile Gabriel had given him when they'd announced they were looking into adoption.

"Did ya hear about y-"

"Gabriel!" A woman snapped and when Dean turned to look at her, he came face to face with a very angry, and _very_ pregnant Kali. "You! How dare you come here!"

"Ouch, ouch, hey!" He shouted as she pummeled him. Her slaps were surprisingly hard and left handprint shaped stinging patches on his skin. "Hey!" The slaps were starting to move towards his face so he balled up tight and hid behind his hands shamefully.

"Mam, stop it. You're gonna stress out baby Aalam." Brown hands reached out to pull Kali away, and Dean was finally released and able to see who they were attached to without risking a blow to the face. A girl, only five and very small, held onto her Mother's hands and stared sternly at him. She had Gabriel's eyes and face shape, but the somber rigidness in her posture was all Kali. He was afraid to smile at her, in case she would start slapping him too.

"You must be Aditi." He nodded, reaching out a hand. She looked between his hand and his face for a moment before dropping her Mother's hands and taking his. Her hand was so much smaller than his, and he was reminded suddenly of Sammy at her age. Small and pudgy around the edges, Sam had been smaller than Dean all the way up till college when he'd sprouted right up and out like a plant.

"You must be Uncle Dean." _Uncle Dean_ struck such a chord in him that he was floored for a moment, holding onto that fragile hand for dear life. He never thought Cas would have told her about him, much less entitled him Uncle.

"Gabby! Gabby!" Another young voice came ringing into the kitchen, followed quickly by the rapid sound of tiny bare feet. Gabriel perked right up, moving towards the hall and patting Aditi on the head as he passed.

"Esperanza! Come here!" Cas' shouted, his voice stern but gentle. He sounded like a parent, and that floored Dean even more than being an Uncle had. Aditi gently took her hand back from him but he couldn't seem to find his breath. He'd thought this visit would be too much for Cas, he had no idea it would be _way_ too much for him.

Bursting through the open archway, with Cas shortly on her heels, was a little girl. She had short hair made of bouncy, dark brown pin curls and wore a pretty little yellow dress that accented the light brown of her skin. She was chubby cheeked and wide-eyed and when she landed in Gabriel's arms he threw her up in the air and her laughter was like bells.

"How you doin, baby girl? How you doin'?" Gabriel baby-voice growled into the little girls curls as he put her on his waist, tickling her side. He obviously felt comfortable around children and the little girl loved him, giggling and squealing the word Gabby over and over. Finally Gabriel settled her down and Aditi toddled over to grip his leg tightly, maybe feeling left out.

"So, Cassy. How you doin'?" Gabriel's voice took on a new lilt this time, pointed and purposeful as he stared seriously at his brother. Cas was near the entryway, wringing his hands together and avoiding looking at Dean.

"Gabriel, give me Esperanza." Castiel reached out for the little girl, both hands curling in earnest want. Esperanza reached back but Gabriel moved her away marginally and tilted his head back before speaking.

"Why?" He challenged, his voice harder than Dean had ever heard it.

Dean was honestly confused as hell. Cas had never mentioned that Gabriel had two children, and why was Gabriel acting like he didn't trust Cas with her? Dean watched Cas questioningly, hoping he'd look over but the man was stubborn enough not to. He stared determinedly at the little girl and avoided all of their eyes except for Gabriel.

"Give her to me, Gabriel. I'm serious." Castiel demanded, biting the words through sharp teeth. Dean was getting more and more confused by the moment, and the deep frown on Cas' face wasn't helping.

" _ **Why?**_ " Gabriel pushed, a small smile appearing that contrasted with his sharp eyes. He knew that he was testing Cas, he was enjoying it, but Dean couldn't figure out for the life of him why or for what.

"Because she's _mine_! Give her to me!" Castiel snapped, reaching out and forcibly taking Esperanza from Gabriel. The man didn't put up a fight, holding up his hands in defeat and picking up Aditi instead. Cas might have been rough with Gabriel but his hands were gentle on the little girl, tucking her into his arms and pressing rough stubbly kisses to her curl-covered head. Dean was so overwhelmed and choked up by the sight of Cas with a child that he nearly missed what Cas had said.

"Wait- hold on what the fuck do you mean she's yours?" Dean snapped, popping up from the stool he'd collapsed onto earlier. He had eyes for Castiel only, despite Gabriel and Kali's protests about his language. Cas still wouldn't look at him, and that clarified things even more than if he'd admitted it vocally. "She's _yours_ , Cas?" Dean begged, bracing himself on the counter.

He should have known. You don't go away for five years and expect things to be the same when you get back. There was a Mother out there, a beautiful Mother from the looks of Esperanza who had not only had her hands on Cas but had touched his heart. From the looks of the house, from the way Cas held that little girl...Dean had been completely incorrect earlier. This wasn't a life patched around his absence, this was a life patched over his absence.

Cas shook his head marginally and Dean's foolish little heart perked up. Maybe...

"She's _ours._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are much appreciated!!


	3. i faced my demons so i could have you again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this might not be easy. that just means it's worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COME TALK TO ME ON TUMBLR [CASTIELSPICELATTE](http://castielspicelatte.tumblr.com)

"Let's go outside, Gabriel." Kali said hushedly, ushering her husband out to the front door. Gabriel hesitated, looking between them but eventually went, carrying his daughter all the way.

"What the f- _heck_ does that mean, Cas? Pretty sure I don't remember us conceiving." Dean snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. The edges of his vision were red but his mind was baffled and hazy. Ours? Ours? Ours? What the fuck did that mean? Dean had been gone five years, but he'd known what he left behind and a little girl definitely had not been one of those things.

"Of course not, Dean!" Cas snapped, placing the little girl on the sofa and flicking on the tv. Dora the Explorer was already on, and suddenly the whole room was different. Suddenly Dean noticed all the little details his mind hadn't comprehended before. The basket of toys in the corner, the drawings on the refrigerator, the pair of small pink rainboots wedged in with Cas' in the mudroom by the door. It all read child, it all read a life that Dean wasn't apart of and he hadn't even realized it.

Cas stalked into the kitchen, looking past Dean at his daughter. His _daughter_.

"She's adopted. From Costa Rica. Her mother was the teenager daughter of two farmers and she sends Esperanza letters sometimes." Cas sighed, running a hand through his hair. "She's ours, she's...yours."

"How the fuck is she mine, Cas!? I've been gone a long time, let's face it but I'm pretty sure when I left there wasn't a fucking kid here!" Dean shouted, lowering his voice at the last second as Esperanza's show went suddenly quiet before commercials.

"Would that have stopped you?" Cas snarled, glaring at Dean and bracing both hands on the counter. They were in each other's personal space, Dean could feel the rage coming off Cas in waves. "Would you have stayed?"

Dean didn't say anything, didn't know what to say. He opened his mouth several times, trying to find a retort but none came. "Of course I would have." He said finally, losing steam.

Cas nodded mockingly, looking anywhere but at Dean. "Sure." He obviously didn't believe it, and Dean wanted to try again, to convince him, to save this but Cas bulldozed over him. "I wanted a child, Dean and I was **losing** you, you were always gone or when you were here Benny was, Pamela was. You never had time for me, you were at a gig when I finally met with Esperanza's mother!"

"I never even knew about her! Did you even invite me to meet her Mom? Was I informed of any of this?" Dean shouted, slapping a hand down on the counter in frustration. Red hot pain flared in his palm at impact but he ignored it. Cas was suddenly like a wall of ice, staring at Dean with such numb bitterness that Dean flinched backwards.

"Of course you did, how do you think I got her? The adoption agency thinks she has two Fathers, because you signed the papers for her, Dean." Cas' voice was eerily calm, like the eye of a hurricane or the very center of a tornado.

"I didn't! I never seen any papers, you bastard." Dean wanted Cas to hit him, he wanted to hit Cas, he wanted this dirty rage in his chest to get out. Cas wasn't even giving him anything to rage against anymore, just staring at Dean coldly.

"Maybe you never seen them, not really, but you _did_ sign them. I think I actually have the final bundle around here." Cas moved to a row of drawers next to the stove and squatted down to get to the bottom one. Out came a large envelope, one of the thick safe mailing ones, and Cas peeled open the sticky top. He rifled through the papers for a moment while Dean fumed and Dora played loudly in the background.

Finally he landed on the right set and pulled out a thick stack of papers paperclipped, stapled and held with one of the biggest binder clips Dean had ever seen. Cas slapped them down onto the counter and pressed his finger firmly to the first page. "Go on."

Dean glared at Cas once more before looking, and frowning. Underneath Cas' finger in a very familiar scrawl was his name, Dean Winchester-Novak. Underneath that was Cas' name and the date in full written word, the first of August, 2014.

"I-I don't-" Dean cut off, remembering distinctly what else had happened that day. Cas and he had their last big blow out before he left. It was about tour. Dean was going to miss Gabriel's wedding, and the final renovation on the upper floor of their house. Dean was ignoring Cas, Dean didn't want kids anymore, Dean was fucking Pamela, Dean was fucking Benny. Cas was holding him back, Cas was desperate for domestics, Cas didn't want him happy. All lies, all gauntlets thrown during the biggest fight of their entire relationship.

Three days later, Dean had walked out. He'd intended to come back, but he'd left mad and he never did. Tours happened, success happened, Cas never apologized and his pride left him mad for a year. The moment he'd stepped out the door, maybe even the moment he'd gotten the pitch from Benny, they'd widened too far from each other to bridge the gap.

He did remember the papers but only vaguely. He'd been busy finishing up the last song of his debut album, and trying to finetune that last verse that had been giving him an issue. Cas had told him they had to meet with the adoption agency and he'd begged off for work. That had sparked the fight, at least partially.

Cas had him sign the papers, just before he left for the agency. He remembered the fucking pen he'd done it will, a ballpoint he'd been chewing on over his lyrics. He'd signed the papers to be a Dad with the same pen he'd signed his record deal, and he hadn't even realized.

He'd trusted Cas, and been distracted, and never thought to read the fine print just sign on the dotted line and initial here, here and here.

"How could you not tell me, Cas? How-" Dean's voice shook and cracked, and he couldn't look at Cas. He couldn't breathe clearly. He needed a break, he needed to leave.  
But he couldn't. He couldn't leave because that little girl, that pudgy, curly-headed Latina baby girl sitting on the couch in her sandals was _his_.

He'd missed her first steps, he'd missed her first word. He'd missed bringing her home and rocking her to sleep. He'd missed everything.

He was in the living room before he realized that he had moved, and he sat down on the edge of the sofa, next to the armchair where Esperanza was. "Hi, Esperanza." If she noticed the wetness in his eyes and the shakiness of his voice, she was too young to care or comprehend it.

"Hi!" She smiled at him and it was like a beam of light straight into his soul. That was his little girl, that was his daughter's smile. It was the most beautiful baby-toothed smile he'd ever seen.

"You like Dora the Explorer?" He asked, glancing at the tv and seeing a monkey in bright red boots. He looked back to Esperanza and she was nodding enthusiastically but staring at the television. He felt Cas sit down next to him but he didn't acknowledge it.

"You like your Daddy?" He asked, voice shaking. _Daddy_. Cas had sounded like a parent earlier because he was one. Cas had been a single parent for five years while Dean partied and sang and lived his dreams.

"Daddy makes chocolate chip pancakes for dinner on Saturdays, sometimes. Can we have those today, Daddy?" Little kids never did have logical trains of thoughts, but this one threw Dean for a loop. He didn't know how to respond so instead he just turned his head, hooked over his own shoulder, to raise his eyebrows at Cas.

"Can we?" He didn't smile, and not even he could decipher the tone of his voice but Cas' grim face responded with a nod.

"Of course we can." Esperanza cheered in the background but Cas and Dean stared at each other, never backing down. Dean wasn't sure what was on his face, or what Cas seen at least, but either way Cas didn't order him out. Cas didn't shout. He didn't yell. He just relaxed into the sofa and looked determinedly at the screen, like all he'd ever wanted in life was to learn how to say "Go!" in spanish.

Dean relaxed into the sofa's back and got ready to learn how to say "Go!", like a Father should.

\------------

Gabriel, Kali and Aditi came in when they must have heard the coast was clear and sat with them through a few episodes of Dora. Aditi sat on the same armchair as Esperanza, and though Aditi was a far more serious five year old, she cuddled Esperanza like she was born for it. They held each other in a sweet hug through an entire episode, Esperanza's curls in Aditi's face the whole time.

Gabriel and Kali were mostly quiet, watching them and whispering to themselves but sometimes Gabriel would strike up conversation with Cas. Dean didn't speak to anyone, but he met Kali's eyes a few times and flinched. Obviously out of that branch of the Novak family, Kali was the one to fear retaliation from. Maybe being hugely pregnant was part of it, but she hadn't been pregnant for five years, and the type of anger she was sporting was that which had stewed for a long time.

Finally Dora ended and Spongebob came on, which apparently Cas didn't let Esperanza watch as he flipped off the tv the moment Nickelodeon announced it. "Ahhh, Daddy!" Esperanza protested, kicking her foot and narrowly missing Aditi's. "I wanna watch!"

"No, no Spongebob." Cas said sternly, ruffling his little girl's curls. "You and Aditi go wash up, time for dinner."

It was barely five, which was strange for Dean who ate dinner at any time from 10 to 4 AM. But it made sense for the children, who were already starting to yawn by the time they got back to the kitchen. Kali was helped up onto a stool by Gabriel and Dean found himself leaning against the counter as the family gathered. He felt out of place as he watched them all together. Gabriel and his family worked as a smooth, comfortable unit and Cas and Esperanza were obviously a well oiled, machine as well - especially as Esperanza helped him gather the materials and start the mixing of the pancake mix from scratch.

The simple chatter between the children and the parents was as warm as the gentle yellow lightbulbs that washed over the cream marble countertops. Cooking in the kitchen was obviously something they all did frequently, and Dean was the odd man out at the end of the counter unsure what to say, when to say it and if he was even allowed to say it.

Again he thought of the impala outside, and his guitar at the door, and the urge to run was strong. But then he'd look at Esperanza and remember. That was _his_ little girl as much as she was Cas', and if he wanted these moments with her, if he wanted her to see him as Daddy too he had to stick this all out.

Cas was another problem entirely.

Dean had always known Cas was attractive. He'd gotten used to it though along the way, and stopped being startled by his husband's good looks. After five years, it was like meeting Cas anew and every flex of his forearms while mixing was trying Dean's patience.

He wished for the hundredth time since he'd arrived back in Lawrence that this could be easy.

He wanted to eat chocolate chips out of Cas' mouth, and pinch his ass playfuly as they cooked, and he wanted to lift Esperanza between them and they both press kisses to her cheeks. He wanted to hold Cas, his arms ached for it. He wanted to kiss Cas, his mouth had forgotten the shape of Cas' kisses.

But all through the making of dinner, and eating of dinner, Cas didn't say one word to him. He only looked at him while serving, and that was brisk and nonchalant. Cas didn't treat him badly but Dean knew he was a ripple in Cas' calm waters. He was a hitch in the wood that Cas kept tripping over. He was a broken string on the guitar, he was a lyric that just wouldn't lay right in a song, he was a stubborn weed in Cas' garden.

If Cas hadn't hid Esperanza from him, he might feel guilty about disrupting Cas' life.

\------------

"Bye, Cassy. We'll see you Monday?" Gabriel asked at the end of the night, after the girls had been placed to sleep in Esperanza's room. Dean had gotten to oversee them brushing their teeth while Cas cleaned up the sink, and though Aditi still side-eyed him with all the wariness of an adult, Esperanza had happily given him her spare Rapunzel toothbrush for later.

When he'd thanked her, his voice had shaken. Hopefully he'd get that under control before she got used to it and just thought he had a shaky, weird voice.

"Yes, of course. Enjoy your weekend." With the baby so close, Kali had grudgingly explained over pancakes, Gabriel and Kali were having one last quiet weekend together. Aditi was quiet and well behaved, but she hadn't been as a newborn and they were scared Aalam would be the same. It wasn't rare for Aditi to stay over though, so their request for Cas to watch the girls hadn't been much of an issue.

Throughout that conversation, Dean had glanced at Cas and seen Cas looking at him. He'd looked away immediately, caught, but Dean wondered at the thoughts behind that look. He wished desperately, and not for the first time, that Cas would talk to him.

Kali and Gabriel made their way down the long driveway to their SUV, parked next to the impala. Dean and Cas stood on the front stoop, not speaking. They didn't move until Cas' brother and wife were gone, the only remnant of them dust kicking up from the street.

"Well...I assume you have to be on your way?" Cas asked, walking swiftly back inside. Dean took a moment to lock the door before following Cas into the kitchen.

"No, I'm off tour. I'm out of the studio. I didn't come here for a day visit, Cas." Dan said quietly, watching Cas neurotically clean up the living room. He tidied the sofa's throw pillows a thousand times before exhaling roughly and glaring at Dean.

"Then why are you here? To make me uncomfortable? To prove a point? What is it, Dean, because I don't understand why after _five_ years, you're anywhere near here." Cas threw down the pillow in his hand and it bounced off the couch to the floor. Cas stared down at it listlessly, hands slack at his sides.

"Do you want me to go, Cas? I will, I'll get a hotel nearby if you don't want me here, but I'll be back tomorrow. And the next day, and every day after that." Dean vowed, taking a step onto the carpet. Cas watched him get closer warily.

"For Esperanza?" Cas asked quietly, so quietly Dean barely heard.

"Yeah. I want to be in her life, Cas. I should have been." Cas looked down and nodded shortly. Dean stepped a little closer and took a chance.

His hand hit Cas' chin and the gasp was immediate. Cas' eyes were wide and shocked the moment he tugged him up to look Dean in the eyes. " _But_ I didn't know she existed when I came here, Cas."

"I didn't come home for her, I came home for _you_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments much appreciated!!


	4. note the reference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to a dark time, and the dust starts to settle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY COME TALK TO ME ON TUMBLR I'M [CASTIELSPICELATTE](http://castielspicelatte.tumblr.com)

There is a moment where Dean thinks things will be easy, that maybe the five years was just time and that could never come between them. Then Cas jerks away from him and that hope is demolished.

Cas laughs softly, looking anywhere but at Dean. “You really thought that would work, didn’t you? You could just charm your way through this?” He was about to protest when Cas looked at him, and the emotion in those blue eyes shut Dean’s mouth for him. Hurt and long simmering anger flooded Cas’ face and body, from the blue of his eyes to the balled up fists at his sides.

“It didn’t work five years ago, Dean it won’t work now.” Cas said, his tone making it clear that the conversation was over. He bent and picked up the pillow, tossed it on the couch and briskly brushed past Dean to go upstairs.

Dean is left downstairs, standing by a couch he didn’t buy, in a house he doesn’t know. His husband is just upstairs, but he knows that might as well be the Moon for them. He can feel the thin ice beneath his feet, one wrong move and it will collapse and he might never see Cas again. He’d have to respect being thrown out if Cas chose to kick him out, but Esperanza wouldn’t be taken from him, over his dead body.

Dean was finally ready for what he hadn’t been five years ago.

——————–

_Five years ago_

The adoption agency smells like stale, central air and sweat. Maybe the B.O. is just him though, since he’s already sweat straight through his button-down and am making steady work on the armpits of his blazer. His palms are clammy and moist too, but he can’t seem to destress enough for the sweat to stop. He’s gone through his file folder a thousand times since he finished gathering it all yesterday, and everything is there and ready which should make him feel better. But every time he sees Dean’s hasty signature, the sweat comes back.

It’s not technically a forgery, Castiel reasons to himself, peeling the skin on his thumb anxiously. Dean knows about the adoption process, and he DID sign. Of course the tiny voice in the back of his mind notes that Dean has been very busy lately, and Castiel hasn’t exactly made it a priority to keep him in the loop.

He’d tried, at first. He’d been so excited when they finally received that first call.

_“Fuck!” Castiel snapped as the knife in his hand slipped and pressed hard into the skin of his thumb, slicing it open and dripping blood. Immediately he sucked his thumb between his lips, stemming the blood, and though he knew it wasn’t sanitary it was instinctual. His cell phone rang aggressively on the counter, playing Dean’s first demo so loud he could hear it over the sizzling of vegetable stirfry on the stove._

_Castiel lunged for it, pressing the answer button and shoving it between his ear and shoulder while he got to actually cleaning and bandaging his cut. “Hello, this is the Novak-Winchester residence, who-“_

_“This is Nadia Kiali of the Lawrence Children’s Advocacy Agency, I’m looking for Castiel Novak-Winchester.” The knife clattered to the counter, hitting the pile of onions he’d been cutting and sending them scattered across the cutting board and to the floor. Castiel’s voice stuck in his throat but quickly he recovered and turned off the stove._

_“Um, yes, yes this is Castiel Novak-“_

_“Great! If you could confirm your Identification PIN with me, and the last four of your Social Security, I have an update on your application for adoption.” Castiel provided the information with a shaky voice, and he could hear her typing it in. “Okay so, Mr. Novak-Winchester, I’m pleased to inform you that you and your partner have been cleared for Adoption, and though this is only the first step-“_

_On some plane, Castiel must have heard everything she said but in that moment he was outside of himself. Cleared. They were cleared. Six months or so from now, they could have a little boy or girl toddling around their house, Castiel could finally put the nursery to use._

_“Mr. Novak-Winchester? Hello, sir did the connection break?”_

_“Uh-“ Castiel coughed, to clear the thick emotions from his throat. “Yes, no, no I’m here. I’m sorry, I.” He choked up suddenly, his throat shutting up. He knew that having a child in his arms would be incredible, he knew that being cleared would be the most amazing thing to ever happen to him but he had no idea that just the word “cleared” could produce such a response from him. It felt like his heart was in his throat, desperate to get out and cheer. He was pulled by the need to responsibly continue the process of adoption, and to dance and scream._

_“I understand this is a very happy time for you, celebrate, tell your partner the great news and Monday I’ll see you here at the agency to get started on the process. Have a nice day, Mr. Novak-Winchester!” She hung up after his salutation and Castiel’s hands shook as he put down the phone. He could feel a grin was split across his face, and he couldn’t pull it off if he wanted to. Dinner was growing cold on the stove, and Dean should be home from the studio soon-_

_Dean! He had to tell Dean!_

_Castiel fumbled with the phone, hitting the speed dial for Dean’s number and cursing when it abruptly went to voice mail. That meant Dean was in the studio right now, or in a meeting, or any number of things – these days Dean’s phone was very rarely on._

_He went back to his contacts, scrolling down to the P’s. There were only a handful of names, including Pizza Hut and Papa John’s, but right there among those was Pamela Barnes. Despite being drummer for Dean’s band, Pamela and Castiel had only met a handful of times. She was nice enough, but he and she had never made a connection. Maybe she knew how Castiel was feeling, or maybe she just didn’t like him. Either way, his thumb hovered over the button before finally pushing it._

_“Hey, Cas. What’s up?” Pamela answered almost immediately, her raspy voice coming through the mic._

_“I need to speak to Dean.”_

_“He’s kinda busy right now-“ Pamela started, her voice uneasy like she wasn’t really sure how to respond. From the background, Cas heard Dean ask for the phone and with a little bit of shuffling, his husband came on the line._

_“Hey, babe, I’m gonna be late tonight. I’m sorry, I know you were making dinner-“_

_“Dean!” Cas tried to break through Dean’s spiel but his husband just plowed forward._

_“But we’re really close to finishing this song, and then I promise we’ll do something together, okay? Something special, I promise.” Castiel shut up letting Dean distractedly and hastily talk, his chest aching. He’d heard all of these promises before, for months now. Every time Dean was in the studio, every time Dean was in a meeting, every band practice, every “important” songwriting session…they’d all formed a gap so far between Dean and Cas, that they could barely see each other anymore._

_“I understand, Dean but-“_

_“I have to go, Cas. I’m really sorry, Benny just walked in, I’ll see you later okay? Love you!” The phone clicked before Cas could respond, and he was left listening to the silence of an empty house. His hand was still shaking as he placed the phone down, and braced himself on the counter. His heart hurt, and he worried briefly about cardiac arrest statistics at his age before he realized there were tears streaming slowly but steadily down his cheeks._

_He wiped them away calmly and threw out the spoiled, half-cooked stir fry. Cleaning up the kitchen was methodical and calming, and by the time the counters shined he was no longer crying. He glanced over at the phone, expecting nothing but hoping for too much._

_As he climbed the stairs to go to sleep, the phone stayed on the counter. By morning, there were no missed calls and the other side of the bed was cold._

_Castiel’s next attempts at telling Dean would have similar results, and by the time the papers were ready to be signed, Cas had given up._

“Mr. Novak?” A young blond woman called, popping her head out of the hallway leading to the offices.

“Novak-Winchester.” Cas corrected on instinct, standing up and buttoning his suit jacket. Her smile was warm as she nodded and apologized, and it eased his nerves a little bit.

“Well, Mr. Novak-Winchester. Are you excited?”

“Oh, yes. Nervous,” He clarified with a chuckle, following her down the hallway at a quick pace. “But excited.”

“That’s normal, most people experience the exact same emotions. But you know, the process was long and strenuous but that just means you’re definitely ready to go!” Castiel nodded, the file folder in his hand seeming to glow hot as she mentioned the months of work they’d spent compiling it. All sorts of social work visits, signatures, references, doctor’s exams, parenting exams – all of it leading up to this moment where he’d finally get to meet the mother of his child.

“She’s going to love you, Mr. Novak-Winchester. I’m sure of it!” The blond woman smiled again, stopping in front of a door. “Okay, you ready?”

The sweat on his palms and the twist in his gut whispered. _Dean should be here, you should be doing this together._ He grit his teeth, clenching his jaw and blinking slowly. The woman seemed to ignore his moment of gathering, and smiled when he met her eye again. 


“Yes, I’m ready.”

 

 

Dean sleeps on the couch that night, making a bed for himself out of throw pillows and blankets. He doesn’t fall asleep for hours, ignoring texts from Benny, Pam, and all other persons related to his “other” life. He just can’t talk to them right now about future tours or missing studio sessions, when his husband is twenty feet away and angry at him. Of course it’s stupid of him to think that ignoring Pam and Benny would make the past go away, ignoring the fact that he was a rock star doesn’t take the five years back.

When he finally falls asleep that night, his dreams are terrible. They all involve a faceless curly haired baby that he can never seem to reach.

The baby is in a stroller careening down a hill and no matter how fast he runs he can’t reach it. The baby is in some stranger’s arms and being taken away down a never ending hallway. Cas puts the baby in Dean’s arms and smiles, and Dean drops her. She seems to fall through the floor, which is the most disorienting thing he’s ever had a dream about, and he claws at the tile but he can’t get her back.

Abruptly, after losing Esperanza for the 1000th time, he wakes with a gasp. The living room is pitch-black except for the light glow from the oven and he can just barely make out the pattern on the ceiling.

The couch creaks when he gets up, and the floor is freezing underneath his feet. He slept in a pair of sweatpants he’d had in the impala and no shirt, so when he stepped out onto the porch the chill ran over his sweaty skin pleasantly. The sun was just beginning to rise and it painted the sky a light grey-blue, the color of Cas’ eyes on mornings in bed. He could just barely how that looked anymore, the image wavering in his mind as he leaned against the railing.

He stared out into the trees, watching the leaves slowly take shape in the growing morning light.

Behind him he heard the door slid open but he couldn’t make himself turn around, the sound of Cas’ feet on the hard wood so familiar it hurt. Out of the corner of his eye, he seen Cas lean against the rail, wearing a big hoodie and holding a cup of coffee.

“This won’t be easy, Dean.” Cas whispered, sipping his coffee. They both stared ahead, talking to the trees instead of to each other.

“No,” Dean agreed reluctantly, glancing at his husband and yearning to touch him. To be forgiven. To make this easy. “If it works, it works.” He finally said and Cas nodded slowly, steam from the coffee rising up into his face.

“Yes…won’t you be missed? The fans will wonder where you’ve gone.”

“I have Benny deflecting questions for right now, and technically I’m off tour so I don’t owe anyone my time.” Dean shrugged, the hair on his arms standing up as the chill rolled in stronger. He and Cas used to cuddle up together under the quilt here, on cold lazy mornings, sharing coffee and kisses. He’d built the deck just so Cas could always come out and be a part of the nature he loved so much, but always be close by too.

“You’re famous, Dean.” Cas said plaintively, pushing away from the railing and walking back inside. “You owe everyone your time.”

The sliding glass door closed with a soft thud, leaving Dean out in the actual cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, comments much appreciated!


	5. hello, it's me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the wind starts to pick up. we meet in 1994. we don't meet in 2018.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Come talk to me on tumblr, I'm [castielspicelatte](http://castielspicelatte.tumblr.com)
> 
> Also [here's a playlist for the fic!](http://8tracks.com/castielspicelatte/house-that-built-me)
> 
> And created by the INCREDIBLE [ad-astra-castiel](http:ad-astra-castiel.tumblr.com) here are 2 out of 4 gorgeous pieces of [fanart](http://castielspicelatte.tumblr.com/post/132036672877/the-house-that-built-me-chapter-five-is-now)!! I love them so much, thank you Chan! 
> 
> ALSO IMPORTANT: please please pay attention the time markers at the beginning of sections, without that this chapter might be confusing because it jumps time frequently.

_1994_

_Dean’s not gay, but the man in the corner of this trashy college party looks so good he’s rethinking it. He wasn’t even going to come tonight, he had a huge paper due tomorrow and band practice right afterwards and the guys hated when he showed up exhausted. Charlie was off, supposedly getting them beers but she’d left thirty minutes ago and Gilda was here somewhere. They were probably upstairs already, and Dean should be too._

_Now, Dean would never describe himself as good at flirting. He could **pretend** to flirt really well, sarcastic flirting was his thing, but being smooth with someone he was actually interested in? No go, nada charm, lots of stuttering. So he had to have a game plan._

_He had to have a pick up line._

_Taking a deep breathe, and physically bracing himself, Dean stalked across the packed room, straight for the dark haired man near the window._

* * *

 

 

Present

“Esperanza, please stop playing with your breakfast and eat it. Meredith will be here very soon.” Castiel ordered gently, washing dishes with one hand and wiping up Esperanza’s chin with the other. The house’s cordless phone was wedged between his shoulder and head, on hold with the bank apparently. Dean was sat on one of the island’s bar stools feeling useless and out of place.

“Who’s Meredith?” He asked, perking up at the tidbit. Even after a couple of days of being in the house with them, he still didn’t have much of an idea how their lives operated. On the road his life functioned in three different ways: writing, playing and partying. The partying was sometimes for fun, and sometimes for work – with Benny and Pam forcing him out to socialize with other “rockstars”, like he needed the connections.

Here, Cas was a stay-at-home dad as far as Dean could tell. No source of income was evident, as Cas spent all day taking care of Esperanza or tending to his garden or shut up in a room upstairs that Dean hadn’t gotten to see the inside of yet. It wasn’t his money supporting Cas since the one time he’d sent a check, with more 0’s on it than college-him would have cried at, it got sent back with no reply. He’d spent it on partying and drinking, in his depressed haze about four years ago, but it didn’t matter. He received another check a month later with even more 0’s on it.

“Meredith is a friend.” Cas said, avoiding Dean’s eyes. His stomach twisted anxiously. He’d had a lot of “friends” on tour, which he wasn’t proud to admit, but he had. He knew that shifty eye Cas had on because he’d worn it himself plenty of times.

_Ding, dong._

“Oh shit.” Cas slapped a hand over his mouth immediately, eyes wide. Esperanza giggled, bouncing up and down in her seat, knocking over the oatmeal in front of her.

“Daddy said a bad word!” She laughed. Dean reached over and righted the bowl, stopping more oatmeal from spilling out while Cas tried to recover.

“Espe, don’t repeat what I said. I’m sorry I said that.” Cas was frazzled all of a sudden, going between the still ringing doorbell, the spilt oatmeal and the rambunctious little girl like a chicken without its head.

_Ding, dong._

“Hey, Cas, I’ll just get the door.” Dean offered, standing up and heading for the front hall.

“No! I’ll-I’ll get it.” Cas shouted, running to stop Dean.

“Cas, hey.” Dean whispered in the dim light of the hallway. He hadn’t seen Cas look this stressed out before, his face tight and grim with anxiety. “It’s alright. I’m not gonna be rude or anything just because you and her are ‘ _friends_ ’.”

“It’s not like that-“

_Ding, dong. Ding, dong._

Dean reached out suddenly, yanking his arm from Cas’ tight grip, and pulled open the door. Standing on the front step, damp and holding a fidgeting, irritated child in muddy yellow rainboots was a woman at least 20 years Cas’ senior. Dean was surprised, then abruptly confused. Cas had slept with an old woman?

“Bout’ time, Castiel. I have to get down to the office and Henry’s been cranky all morning.” Suddenly Cas had an armful of squirmy child, and the old woman was marching off down the cobblestone path to the driveway, her boots kicking up mud onto Cas’ flowers.

“So…Meredith?” Dean asked, as the car peeled out of the driveway, spraying water in a huge arc. Cas shot him a look that clearly stated he didn’t want to talk about it and went back inside, hoisting the whining child up onto his forearm like a seat.

“I run a daycare, if you must know. Esperanza gets to play with friends,” Cas put Henry down and the little boy went toddling to the couch immediately, wear Esperanza had settled herself. “And people pay a lot to have someone reputable take care of their children.”

“ _You’re_ reputable?” Dean asks incredulously, and sees his life flash before his eyes as Cas glares at him. “I mean-“

“I’m certified.” Cas snaps, yanking open a drawer and pulling out an honest-to-god certificate. Dean wants to laugh so hard his eyes must be bulging, and Cas exhales roughly and rolls his eyes.

“We can’t all be _rockstars,_ Dean. Get Dora the Explorer goes to the Moon or so help me-“ Dean’s off down the hall to the movie closet before Cas even finishes talking, liking his body parts exactly where they are.

 

* * *

 

_1994_

_Castiel’s POV_

_There’s a terrible, terrible dance hit playing something about being unable to touch “this” and Charlie is talking right over it about some actor named Keanu Reeves. Castiel doesn’t know who he is but she’s been talking about him for an hour. The beer in his hand is lukewarm at best but it’s the shittiest he’s ever had, and he doesn’t even really want to drink it._

_Honestly he’s not sure why he’s even here. He could be working on his research paper for States and Capitalism but Charlie had said she’d do his laundry for three months._

_“Cas!” Charlie hissed in his ear, elbowing him in the side. “Nine o’clock.”_

_“What a-“_

_“H-Hi, what’s up?” Cas looked up from Charlie and was immediately caught in emerald eyes. They shined brightly in the dim hazy light of the party, and they were set in a beautiful freckled face. That jawline was still a baby soft slope, but Cas could see the sharp edge starting to form. This boy, this man, was beautiful and Castiel was immersed._

_“Hi.” He didn’t know what else to say, his mouth was so dry and suddenly his mind was empty. What do you say to an angel?_

_“Hi! I’m Charlie.” Charlie butted in, holding out her hand and surprising the boy. “This is Cas, short for Castiel.”_

_“Castiel…I like that. I’m Dean.” The boy’s eyes never left Cas’, hand stretching out to take his in a tight grasp. **Dean’s** hands were calloused enough to send shivers down Castiel’s spine. He rarely had thoughts or feelings like this, but he wanted those hands on his skin. _

_“I’m, I’m Cas.”_

_“He knows.” Charlie whispered, eyeing where their hands were still clasped together. “Anyway, I see a 10 over on 10 so I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Cas?” Charlie started walking away backwards, wagging her eyebrows at Cas where Dean could obviously see._

_“Sorry about her, she uh-“_

_“Nah, it’s fine. My friend Pam does the same thing.”_

_“So…do you go to University of Kansas?” Cas asked, awkwardly taking his hand back and shoving it into his pocket. The hand holding his beer was stiff and uncomfortable but he didn’t want to put the bottle down and have nothing to do with that hand._

_“No, my little brother does. I uh, go to the Lawrence Technical School.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck, looking at Cas like he was going to walk away._

_“That’s cool, what for? My brother Raphael went there to become an electrician.” Raphael was probably too obsessed with electricity, but Castiel kept that to himself._

_“Mechanic. I like cars, got a mint ’67 Chevy Impala.” There was a pause in conversation where Castiel didn’t know what to say, and if he even had to. Dean’s smile was small but sincere, and Castiel found himself smiling back._

_“Can I see it?” Dean’s smile grew into a blinding grin, and Castiel, who knew absolutely nothing about cars, grinned back._

* * *

At first, Dean is startled by the amount of children entrusted to Cas. There’s Henry, the first little boy, who is enamored with Esperanza, who is enamored with Dora the Explorer and Cheerio’s. Then there’s four others: Luca is a very quiet little boy with big brown eyes who stares at Dean all morning, Harietta who is “genderqueer” according to their Father and is wearing a pair of sparkly blue overalls, Oliver is has golden curls and big blue eyes and does NOT tolerate Cheerio’s being served to him, and Alicia who shows up in an all-white children’s suit and is dropped off by her CEO Father.

All of the children have rich, busy parents and Dean is beyond proud to see his little girl leading the squad. When Cas directs them for snack time at 10, Esperanza toddles the group into the kitchen. She gives options for toys and movies for Cas to put on. She offers Oliver her craisins when he turns out to have a huge intolerance for cereal. She only gets cranky herself, as toddlers do, when it’s close to naptime – Cas lets Dean put her down himself, though reluctantly and with a lot of persuading.

Dean likes the feeling of a child in his arms, Esperanza’s curls brushing his neck. She’s warm and sleepy and he wishes he would have been here when she was small. He used to hold Sammy as a baby and he had always been such a warm, tiny weight – a little piece of life in Dean’s arms – he wishes he had those memories of his own daughter.

Her room was honey bee themed which was _very_ Cas, the pillows and blankets made of a honeycomb pattern and the bed frame was the beehive. Cas was busy, closing the curtains and laying children down on bed mats around Esperanza’s bed. Each child was calm and easily put down except for Harietta, who kept trying to get back up and giggling. Dean laid Esperanza down and covered her up, swiping curls away from her eyes.

“Harietta, please go to sleep.” Cas whispered, kneeling besides their bed mat and trying to tuck her in. Dean looked around and spotted a honey bee stuffed animal on the dresser. He snatched it up and dropped down between Oliver and Harietta.

“Hey, you gotta sleep.” Dean ordered gently, his stern face on. Harietta stopped giggling, staring up at him worriedly. Giving up on the stern face he smiled, “But you can still have a toy.” He held out the bee and Harietta snatched it up immediately, smiling again and pressing the toy to their chest.

Harietta turned onto their side, put their thumb in their mouth and fell asleep nearly instantly under Cas and Dean’s gaze.

“Well, great job, Dean.” Cas said, his tone somewhere between complimentary and irritated. Before Dean could respond, his husband was out the door, leaving it open for him.

He took a moment to compose himself before going out and closing the door behind him. His watch read one o’clock, and the children would probably sleep until at least two.

Down the hall, in the kitchen Cas is watching dishes with his back to Dean. The radio is on softly in the background, a gentle feminine voice singing out.

“This is nice, what you’ve got here, Cas.” Dean said, voice quiet. The kitchen’s setup was open and warm, but the tightness of Cas’ shoulders said Dean wasn’t very welcome – but he needed to try. It had only been a few days, but every molecule of him missed Cas. He missed his husband more than he ever had, with him here, so close, but so far away.

“Yeah.” Cas muttered shortly.

“I…” He honestly didn’t know what to say, but he tried anyway. “It’s good for Esperanza.”

A bowl slammed against the side of the sink, either falling from Cas’ hands or being thrown. From the furious expression on Cas’ face when he spins around to glare at Dean, it was probably thrown.

“Everything I _do_ is for Esperanza. I don’t require your validation of any of it.” Cas spun back around, slamming the sink off and angrily drying off dishes. Dean sighed, leaning against the counter.

“Cas, I don’t know why you’re mad at me! I’m just trying to tell you that you’re doing good!”

“I _know_ I’m doing good. I _made sure_ I did good, Dean.”

“I won’t compliment you anymore then, god damn Cas I’m fucking trying!” Dean shouted, lowering his voice at the last minute, remembering the children.

“Stop trying then.” Cas snapped, dropping a plate into the sink and storming out of the kitchen. Dean glanced towards Esperanza’s room and the baby monitor on the kitchen. He grabbed it off the counter and shoved it in his pocket, before running after Cas.

Outside the sky was grey and stormy, the wind alive with electricity. Cas was dragging in garbage cans, throwing them into the garage with an angry flick of his wrist.

“Cas!” Dean shouted, following Cas back down the driveway. “Fucking listen to me, you asshole.” He reached out and grabbed his husband’s arm, his fingers just barely touching Cas’ skin before he was shoved away. Betrayal and hurt were spread over his face, and for the first time Dean realized how tired and overwhelmed Cas looked.

“I am not the asshole, Dean.”

“I just want to _try_ , Cas, that’s it. You’re not letting me even try to make it up to you and Esperanza.” Dean begged, raindrops starting to fall. _Of fucking course it would rain when he’s bearing his feelings_.

“What’s ‘ _it_ ’, Dean?” Cas asked, face emotionless.

“What?”

“You keep saying you’re trying to make _it_ up to us. What is it that you think you can fix here, Dean?” Cas asked, seemingly unaware of the start of raining.

“I just-I left Cas, and I…liked being a rockstar, I liked being on tour but I would have liked to have been here-“

“That’s bullshit, Dean. If you wanted to be here, you would have been.”

“Cas-“

“You _could_ have been, Dean! The door was always open, the phone was always on and the only thing I ever got from you was a check!” The clouds seemed to slam open at that exact moment, rain suddenly downpouring on them both.

“I wanted to, Cas!” He shouted, following Cas up the driveway. He was cold and getting quickly soaked but he wouldn’t give up yet. “I called Cas, but I didn’t know what to say.”

Cas stopped, the garbage can falling from his hand and rolling away in the wind. He turned around, rain soaking his black hair against his head. “You did?”

“I never left a message, and I didn’t call from my phone.” He explained, shrugging. “Benny said I used to listen your voicemail when I was drunk, but I did it when I was sober too. I missed you so much, Cas.”

“You could have left a message.” Cas said, face stern but shaky. His eyes were wide and sad, and Dean moved forward, ignoring the sloshing of water in his shoes. “Anything would have been better than nothing, Dean.”

“I didn’t know what to say to you. I still don’t.” Dean took another step forward, reaching out for Cas. His hand landed on Cas’ waist, gripping tight into the wet fabric and pulling him forward. They collided together with the sound of wet clothing and two rough exhales. Cas’ face pressed against Dean’s throat, wet hair tickling Dean’s ear.

“But I want to say everything, Cas.” Dean whispered, shivering and feeling Cas’ own shudders against him. They should move inside, they should end this cliché dramatic scene of a romantic drama and take care of the children – but the feeling of his husband is his arms is incredible. There’s nothing he wants more than Cas’ hot breath on his neck, and holding each other close. If he moves away now, this peace will shatter.

“I want to say anything and everything I can to fix this, Cas. To fix how I hurt you, to get us back to how we used to be.” Cas shuddered against him, whether the icy rain or the heavy conversation was to cause, Dean wasn’t sure. He felt flayed and vulnerable but that had never been a bad thing with Cas before.

“Do y-do you remember when we were in college and we met for the first time?” Cas whispered, barely audible over the rain.

“I gave my first blowjob in the backseat of the impala and we got 4 AM coffee.” Dean chuckled, pressing a kiss to his husband’s wet hair.

“I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.” Cas whispered, the barest brush of lips on Dean’s neck sparking his entire body alive. “I’ve been in love with you since that night…” Cas pulled away, his expression mournful but free. The feelings may be sad, but they were at least honest.

“I still am, Dean.”

Cas’ lips press to his so lightly Dean’s almost not sure this is real. He must be imagining the feeling of long fingers running up under his wet shirt, of a hard body up against his, one he’s felt a hundred times. Cas is so familiar, kissing him is like coming home.

Kissing Cas is like finding faith – Dean can feel the purity of them, he can feel the virtue in their kiss. No “friend” or groupie was the other half of Dean like Cas was, and he’d known that all five years he was gone.

They break apart softly, lingering in each other, pressing last kisses. Nothing is fixed, Dean can tell in the downturn of Castiel’s lips, in the bitter taste on Cas’ tongue. But maybe…maybe things aren’t as broken as they once were.

“Mr. Winhester! Mr. Winhester!” They snap apart, Cas’ eyes shooting open so wide it must hurt.

“Harietta? Get back inside, it’s raining!” Cas orders sternly, running to the front stoop where the child is holding onto the bee and silhouetted by the front hall’s light.

“Esperanza’s hurt!”

“What?” Dean asks, remembering the baby monitor in his pocket. When he pulls it out he finds the light has gone dead, soaked with rain. When he looks up, Cas is gone and the front door is shut. It’s dark and it’s cold, and Dean fears that the hope he’d felt for that brief moment, was gone forever.

* * *

 

_2018_

_“Hello, this is Castiel Winchester-Novak. I am not available right now, but leave your number and your message and I will get back to you.” It’s a blessing at least that he hadn’t changed his name. Dean’s been waiting for the divorce papers for years, but every afternoon Benny brings him fan letters and mail and never anything from Cas._

_Dean imagines they just got lost, and they’re both waiting for papers to end this, that won’t come._

_It’s only three in the afternoon and he’s well on his way to blackout drunk. The curtains are pulled tight on his hotel room’s windows and he’s laid himself on the floor’s soft carpet, trusty bottle of Jack at his side._

_Benny and Pam came in earlier, to talk to him about renewing his tour schedule but a well-thrown toss of a glass had sent them out the door. Today was not the day._

_He’d went to sleep alright, moderately peaceful and thinking about new song lyrics, but when he’d woken up it was a different story. There was a dark cloud over his head, a fog in his mind, and both were named Castiel._

_The itch had been constant for years, but today, here in this swanky hotel room, it became too much. Dean listened to the voicemail once more, hanging up at the beep._

_He had too much to say._

_“I miss you.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“Can I come home? Are you still at our home?”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Leaving you is my bigges-is my ONLY regret, Cas. Only one that matters.”_

_He lets the voicemail play once more. “…I will get back to you. Beep.” He breathes near but not into the phone, words hanging on the tip of his tongue. Anything, everything, say it Winchester. In the end he drops the phone on the floor next to his head and hangs up._

_“Hello, this is-“_

_Maybe next time, maybe soon._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Comments much appreciated <3
> 
> (also please please ignore that with modern phones, or even MORE advanced phones Castiel would one hundred percent block the number calling him over and over again and not leaving a message)


	6. the first quake // the last fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean realizes Cas doesn't trust him, bad things ensue and we get a glimpse of exactly what happened all those years ago.

“…She’s-she’s not breathing. I’m certified and I’ve been doing CPR but she’s still not breathing, and there’s foam all over her mouth.” Castiel is blankly explaining to the 911 operator when Dean finally gets to Esperanza’s room. He’s hovering over her bed, hands still desperately doing pulses on her tiny chest. The other children are watching, Harietta is crying.

“She just started shaking!” Harietta sobs, loud enough for the 911 operator to hear. Dean lunges in and knocks Castiel’s hands away, taking over CPR for him while he’s on the phone.

“Yes, yes, please she’s unconscious!” Castiel cries into the phone, hand coming up to clasp over his mouth. “Um, 211 Swan St, it’s the only house on the street, please.” Dean bends down and breathes for Esperanza, her chest rising with the force of his breath but not picking it up herself. He goes back to pulses, glad for his high school training as a lifeguard. Castiel is still speaking to the operator, holding Harietta while he does it.

“Is she going to be okay, Mr. Winhester?” Oliver asks, bending over Esperanza’s face and prodding Dean’s pulsing hands.

“Yes!” He answers emphatically, bending down to repeat the process. She still doesn’t breathe, though her body gives a shake. Finally, after another two pulses and forced breathing, when he pulls his mouth back, her chest gives a shaky lift and she’s breathing. He wants to sob with relief, but all he does is reach out for Cas, hand clasping tightly on his husband’s shoulder.

“She’s breathing! She’s breathing!” Cas cries into the phone, passing it to Dean forcefully and moving to take the spot next to Esperanza where Dean had been.

“Hello? Mr. Winchester?”

“Yes, yes this- I’m her Father too.” Dean says shakily. “Is an ambulance coming?”

“Yes, the ambulance has been dispatched. Please make sure your daughter keeps breathing, and be ready for the paramedics.” Castiel’s stroking Esperanza’s cheek, watching the rise and fall of her chest with a hawk’s gaze. The other children are around her too, Henry holding onto Esperanza’s hand with an adult’s solemnity on his young face.

 

* * *

 

When the paramedics arrive, it’s all a blur of questions and children. Cas and he have to corral the other children, who refuse to let go of Esperanza, while answering all of the paramedic’s questions and watching over her themselves. Dean’s horrified to realize that he doesn’t know any of the answers to their questions.

“What’s her blood type?” Dean is stumped. He’s not even sure if he knows his own blood type.

“AB positive.” Cas answers, holding Harietta up on his hip and Oliver to his thigh. He’s also trying to rifle through his wallet for Esperanza’s social security card and Dean takes over, reaching for it as gently as possible.

“Does she have any allergies we should know about?” Another paramedic asks before counting Esperanza’s pulse for what seems like the fifteenth time. There’s four of them, two preparing to lift her onto a stretcher and carry her to the ambulance. Two more taking her vitals, and asking the questions. Dean thinks one of them is named Ricky, but he couldn’t swear on it.

“Um, no she’s allergic to pine nuts only.” Cas answers, looking over at Dean for reassurance. Sadly Dean can’t give him any, he has no idea what Esperanza is allergic to.

“Alright, if you could all step back and give us some room. 1-2-3?” One dark-haired paramedic asks, reaching down to the bed and gripping Esperanza’s body firmly. The other paramedic has a stretcher up on a thing that looks like an ironing board.

“1…2…3.” The paramedic lifts Esperanza easily, maintaining the straightness of her body and supporting her head as he places her on the stretcher. Then the other paramedic is taking her away, wheeling the ironing board look alike down the hallway. They eventually detach it from the metal beam and carry her downstairs without it, another paramedic coming to grab it a few minutes later.

Cas is on the phone, informing parents of what has happened and that they need to come get their children as soon as possible. Some of them have the audacity to be mad, like Cas wanted to have this happen to his daughter.

“We need one legal parent to come with us in the ambulance. Just one.”

Then comes the look that hurts, that makes all Dean’s efforts here seem fruitless. He turns to Cas, to say that he legally is Esperanza’s father but he’s not legally these children’s caretaker, when he sees the distrust on Cas’ face.

There in the dwindling rain, wet and upset, Cas is surrounded by the children, next to the ambulance. He has to stay with them until the parents get there, but Cas doesn’t trust Dean enogh to go with Esperanza. It’s written all over his face.

“Cas…” Dean starts, trailing off immediately as he doesn’t know what to say. Only one parent can go, but the problem isn’t that there’s two…it’s that there’s only one. Dean doesn’t even know what his little girl’s allergic to.

“Dean, I-she-I need to be with Espe.” Dean nods, reaching out for the other children. The paramedics are busy, or giving them their privacy, and Cas has just handed over the last child when one of them pokes their head out.

“Um, we need to go, so…”

“I’m coming.” Cas says, taking the extended hand and climbing up into the back of the ambulance. Dean can see Esperanza has an oxygen mask on, and all sorts of other tubes he can’t identify.

“Meet us at the hospital, Dean. Drive slowly.” Cas orders, just as the doors close.

“Mr. Winhester? Is Espy okay?” Henry asks, crying quietly into Dean’s neck. Dean’s throat is tight and scratchy when he pats Henry on the back and assures him that yes, Espy is okay. He watches the ambulance as far as it will go, before hurrying the kids into the car and reminding himself to keep calm.

Keep it together, Winchester. Prove to Cas that you can do this right.

Prove to Cas that he can be trusted.

* * *

 

 

_5 years ago_

_“You want to be a rockstar, brotha?”_

_“Of fucking course, I do.”_

 

* * *

_2002 (12 years from the present)_

_“A house this size,” Cas sighs, not sad but not as happy as he’d been a few hours ago. “We need more furniture. We need an interior decorator, we need renovations.”_

_“Yeah, yeah, Cas. None of that matters though, baby.” Dean soothes Cas, dropping the box in his hands onto the counter and wrapping his new husband up in his arms. He presses his face into the warm heady part of Cas’ neck and croons, lips to the man’s ear. “Cause we got the love-“_

_“Shut up,” Cas says with a smile, spinning in his arms so they’re face to face. “You got a voice that would make angels cry.”_

_“Well now a compliment? What do you want huh? Another ring?” Dean laughed, kissing Cas straight on the lips because he can. They’ve been together almost 14 years, married for one of those and yet he feels like a damn newly wed every time he sees Cas. Horny, happy, overwhelmed by the fact that he belongs to this man, this beautiful perfect man._

_“I meant they’d cry because it’s so out of key.” Cas snaps jokingly, shoving Dean away and laughing._

_“I had singing lessons as a kid, ya know. My mom was part of the church choir, wanted me up there with her one day. **She** thought I had the voice **of** an angel.” Dean joked, opening the box he’d brought it and unloading their silverware and dishes. Cas is still surveying the house worriedly, concerned about all the negative space when the moving truck is almost empty._

_“God bless her for lying to you.” Cas turns back to look at him over his shoulder, eyes crinkling with a bright grin. Dean wants to take a photo, he wants to remember the way the light hits his husband. He wants to remember every curve and line of Cas’ face._

_“You’ll regret this snark one day, when I’m a big **rockstar**.” He air guitars, still holding onto a fork and Cas breaks out into a huge laugh that changes his whole face. _

_“If you’re a rockstar, then I have to come on tour with you and peonies can’t handle sex, drugs and rock and roll very well.” Cas smirked, gently brushing one of the such picked peonies in a vase already on the counter. They’d picked this house partly for the fact that the land was massive, Cas could have a damn orchard if he wanted to. Dean smiled, feeling like that was all he did around Cas and sighed._

_“You and your damn flowers. You be careful or people are gonna think you’re **gay**.” Dean pulled Cas against him, pressing him against the counter before gripping his thighs and lifting him up. Cas’ legs wrapped around him tightly, pulling him and locking him even while he pretended to be horrified._

_“Oh no, Dean not me, never. What would the Lord say?” Cas grinded against him, nipping playfully at his lip before kissing him deeply. Dean pushed him back onto the counter, leaning over his husband and pressing short sweet kisses to those lips._

_“He’d say,” Dean 10 years ago would have been ashamed of the cheesiness bubbling out of him. “You get the free pass, ‘cause you’re perfect. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with you.” Cas smiled up at him, looking so fond it made Dean’s heart swell._

_“You know, Dean? I love you.” Cas sat up again, hand cupping Dean’s face. “I love you more than anything in the world.”_

_“Ditto.” Dean chuckled, actually choked up._

_Cas smiled, stroking his cheek. “I’m happy we got this house, Dean. It could have nothing it, no furniture, no curtains and as long as you’re here, I’m happy.”_

* * *

_2014 (5 years from the present)_

_Victims of natural disasters are often cited as saying they felt it coming before it ever started. “Oh yeah, I felt the hurricane in my bones. Felt it two weeks ago, woke up from a dream about it.” Yet the hurricane wasn’t formed then. Or people who say they felt the volcano beginning to erupt, that they felt the shift, that they felt the Earth underneath their feet heat up like a stove. It’s almost never true, there’s rarely warning signs that palpable._

_So when Cas feels Dean drifting away, he tells himself it’s not true. There’s no way to know, he rationalizes, he’s not a therapist. He’s not a counselor. Dean is no less affectionate, he sleeps in the bed, he still tells Cas he loves him when he’s going to work, or for a run, or out to drinks with Benny and Pam. He still smiles when he sees Cas._

_The Earth is outwardly fine. But Cas swears he can feel the lava heating up, he can feel the hurricane forming. He feels like he’s on an island and Dean is swimming away, but he can’t follow. When his feet touch the water, when he tries to bring up the feeling, he gets stuck. How do you tell someone you feel like they’re not there, when there’s no evidence of it?_

_It starts, he supposes, if he had to pinpoint a moment, when Dean first starts singing again. Over the years, Dean’s guitar had gathered some dust. With them both working, both with jobs and with the house, their time had largely been filled. Renovating a house and land this big had been a project and they’d certainly known it when they’d bought it, but maybe they had underestimated it._

_But finally, when the house was nearly finished and the land was cultivated and clean and Cas’ garden was well into fruition, Dean stayed home from work sick. Cas had offered to stay home and take care of him, but Dean insisted he go._

_“I’m fine, Cas! I’m not a baby, I’m alright. You go on.”_

_When Cas got home later that day, he found Dean on the couch sniffling and plucking lazily at something he hadn’t seen for a long time. “Oh! Your guitar, where was it?” He asked, sitting down next to Dean and kissing him lightly on the cheek._

_“It was in the guest closet, god only knows why.” Dean chuckled, and it turned into a cough. “I was looing for more blankets. I’m not good anymore.” He didn’t really mean it, his smile tired and self deprecating._

_“I’m sure that’s not true!” Cas admonished, leaning against his husband. “Go on, play me my favorite song. It’ll be a test too, to see if you remember it.”_

_“You-“ Dean broke off into coughs and Cas rubbed his shoulders and neck gently. “Think I’d forget your song, Cas? What kinda husband you think I am?”_

_Dean starts strumming softly, the sound slow and gentle but just as talented as the last time he’d played._

_The tune is familiar and reminds Cas of the feeling of fingertips running up his spine, of lips on every inch of him. It reminds him of Dean’s hands in his hair._

_Dean’s voice is rough from sickness, but when he sings, he is perfectly in key and sounds like the angel Cas knows he is. “_ _Well, I heard there was a secret chord / That David played and it pleased the Lord / But you don't really care for music, do you? / Well it goes like[ **this:**](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0ahUKEwjD8aDk86XJAhXJl4gKHbiqDPYQyCkIHzAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dy8AWFf7EAc4&usg=AFQjCNFh9TOFlIB12fcHydjZ9qCXZYUICw&sig2=tWXUrW9zCxsL9IFwWdIVyg&bvm=bv.108194040,d.cGU)…”_

_Cas falls asleep on his husband’s shoulder, and though they are warm and gentle. Though the fire is roaring and Dean’s voice softly sings him to sleep, he feels it. He feels the shift, no matter how slight. He won’t know what it means for awhile, but those first lyrics out of Dean’s mouth are the final key in slot._

_Sometimes Cas wishes he’d destroyed that stupid guitar, before Dean could ever pick it back up._

* * *

 

_But that is only the beginning, the first pinprick of worry, the first shake of a high level earthquake. The true quake hits when Benny opens Lafitte Records._

_“He’s done what?” Cas asked incredulously, straining the pasta for dinner while looking over his shoulder at Dean. Dean is practically vibrating with excitement._

_“He opened a god damn record label! How cool is that, Cas?”_

_“Why would he do that? I thought he was happy with his restaurant.” Benny had the only authentic Cajun restaurant this side of Kansas and it was very successful. Cas had assumed cooking was his passion, not music._

_“I don’t know, the man’s a dreamer. But that’s not important, Cas, he said I could have **studio time**.” At the time, Cas kept straining pasta and preparing dinner. Thinking back, Cas’ stomach drops. Because Dean picking up the guitar again was a fluke, him being talented was coincidence, but…those promised hours in the studio, they were the first hit of a hurricane. They were the water receding away from the coast as the tsunami built up._

_“Why would you want that? You have the garage!” Maybe even then Cas had known, had felt the rug being pulled out from underneath him._

_“Yeah, I do but Cas it’s like your garden! If you got the chance to, I don’t know, grow the world’s largest sunflower wouldn’t you want to?”_

_“No, it would kill all my other flowers.” Cas snapped, tense though he didn’t know why at the time._

_“Why aren’t you happy for me? You know how long I’ve wanted to record, Cas, I got notebooks all over the place full of songs, can you imagine them professional? What if someone likes me, Cas?” Dean sighs, deflating. “It was always my dream, a pipe dream I guess really but it’s in my grasp now, Cas.”_

_Cas sighed, shoulders tense. He placed Dean’s plate in front of him and touched his sad, downtrodden face softly. “I’m happy for you, Dean. I hope Benny’s label works out, and I know you’ll sound amazing in a studio.”_

_Dean brightened up immediately, smiling at Cas so wide his crows feet came out._

_I love you, Cas thought but didn’t say. For some reason his mouth wouldn’t say the words, wouldn’t let him lay himself out like that._

_Somewhere, in his subconscious, he knew maybe. He knew that this was really the end here._


	7. what you are given can't be forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> esperanza is okay, dean and cas are not but maybe they will be, and the earthquake finally hits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i'd first like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED!!!! I know I haven't responded yet, mostly because I haven't had time and I'm not sure how to express all my gratitude, without you guys I would likely have stopped writing and you guys keep this story alive in my heart so thank you <3 <3
> 
> second, this chapter was written to [Cold by Aqualung](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0ahUKEwjTloWN28XJAhWK4IMKHWMaAWIQyCkIHjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DQygQ-wi6vb4&usg=AFQjCNHhSUR8ehtkQ_FDmKVQ8js0gzFv8Q&sig2=NcpOkoOsRMkKauQFVxJKGw&bvm=bv.108538919,d.amc) which I recommend you listen to!
> 
> third, come talk to me on tumblr! I'm [starspangledsteve](http://starspangledsteve.tumblr.com)

When Dean was about 13, and Sammy had just turned 9, their Dad went to the doctor for a routine checkup and came back with three tumors in his pancreas and stage 2 cancer. From there it was all downhill until Dean was 15 standing above the hole his Dad’s body was in. His Mom had never been the same afterwards, and Sam could barely remember Dad’s voice a couple years later.

When the doctor comes into Esperanza’s hospital room after a week of tests, Dean is prepared for the worst. He’s prepared for cancer, he’s prepared for leukemia, he’s prepared for bad news.

“Your daughter has epilepsy; from what we can see. We’ve ran several tests, and we’re certain that she will recover full strength but there is no cure for epilepsy, so certain changes will have to be made to manage it.”

Dean is relieved for a moment, epilepsy isn’t scary. He’s seen that on television before, people function perfectly with epilepsy and just shake sometimes, right? Castiel seems to think otherwise, his face grim and distraught, leaning over Esperanza’s sleeping form on the hospital bed.

“Was it something I did?” Cas asks, staring down at Esperanza but addressing the Doctor. The Doctor is young, probably barely out of his residency, and his face is shaken for the barest moment before he regains his composure.

“Epilepsy has several causes, not many of which apply to a 5-year-old little girl. I would say the highest probable cause is genetic, which occurs in a small percentage of people, usually from developing countries. We can’t exactly clarify that without her birth parents’ DNA, but it’s not your fault, Mr. Winchester-Novak. Epilepsy is very manageable.”

Cas isn’t very won over by the comforting words, but Dean is. He has to be or he’ll be just as distraught as Cas is.

“As of right now, we have her in a medically induced coma.”

The word coma is never good but Dean tries to hold it together.

“Usually epilepsy develops a little later, in teenagers or the elderly. This has been very hard on her body, and one of our main concerns is making sure she properly heals from the trauma of a seizure at this age.”

 

* * *

 

Esperanza is out for three more days before the doctors finally let her come out of the coma and when she does, she doesn’t talk. She’s still hazy and confused, and she falls into a natural sleep a few minutes after waking which her doctor Dr. Maha Abu-Lallah says is completely normal. The second time she wakes up she lays in Cas’ arms for two hours too tired to do much more than whine for ice cream and accept kisses.

Dean has to admit that she takes the news like a champ when Cas and Dr. Abu-Lallah tell her. He’s not sure if its because she’s not really able to grasp what epilepsy is, or because she has inherited Cas’ strength. When the doctor tells her that she will have to eat a special diet, take a few pills, and be careful of flashing lights particularly in what she watches, Esperanza’s only question is whether or not she can still watch Dora the Explorer.

Dean buys her ice cream for being such a good girl, after triple checking that its alright to eat.

Then it’s been a week and a half since the seizure and finally, they’re able to take Esperanza home.

The house is quiet and still like nothing had happened. Cas’ garden continued growing, the mail piled up, and in the corner by the door Dean’s guitar gathered dust. Life went on, and Dean can’t help up feel it went on without him.

“Let me put her in bed.” Dean states, though it’s really more of plea.

Cas is tired too, Dean can see it in every crease of his husband’s face, in the tightness of his eyes and the frown of his lips. He passes Esperanza to Dean, the little girl having fallen asleep on Cas during the car ride home.

Dean heads to the stairs, and hears a cabinet creak open in the kitchen then the gentle reverberating sound of a glass bottle hitting the counter. He could use a drink too.

“Daddy?” Esperanza murmurs when they hit the landing, turning into her room. Dean shushes her gently and kisses her head. He kisses it again for good measure, lingering on her soft curls and wishing none of this had happened.

It was no one’s fault, her parents couldn’t be blamed for a genetic mutation, and Cas couldn’t have predicted it. Dean couldn’t have prevented this, no more than he could have prevented his Dad’s cancer or Sammy’s broken index finger when he was 15. No matter how much he wanted to.

“Dad’s here, baby.” He whispered, laying her down on the honeycomb bed and going to the dresser for pajamas. She was half asleep still and yawning but she cooperated with the costume change. She helped Dean with her pink pajama bottoms and let him push her arms through the little holes of the matching top.

Dean was overwhelmed by how the trust Cas had in him had grown over just the last week and a half. Before Cas wouldn’t have so easily given Esperanza to him, and he wasn’t allowed to go with her to the hospital, but he was allowed in the room the whole time. He was allowed in the meetings with the doctors. He was allowed to be here, dressing her like she really was his.

He rolled her under the blanket and tucked it up to her chin. Then he turned on her nightlight, pressed one more quick kiss to her forehead and left her to sleep. She still needed to rest before she could fully regain her strength.

 

* * *

 

 

“How you holdin’ up, Cas?” Dean asked when he entered the kitchen, seeing Cas propped up on an elbow at the counter slowly swirling a glass of whiskey. The bottle was next to him, opened and ready to pour.

“My daughter has a debilitating disorder, my husband came back after 5 years of silence, I destroyed my day care by leaving those children…I’m doing just great.” Cas threw back the glass, sucking down a large gulp of liquor before pouring himself more. Dean came up to the counter and grabbed Cas’ glass out of his hand.

He took a gulp himself and then passed it back.

“Esperanza is okay, Cas. She’s going to be fine, you heard the doctor. She can function just fine with epilepsy; she just has to be a little more careful.” Cas nodded blankly, drinking some more and coughing lightly. Dean sighed, leaning against the counter and bracing himself on one arm.

They sit in silence for awhile, lingering in each others presence but not sure what to say. If there was anything to say.

“Did her birth mother name her Esperanza?” Dean asks suddenly, thinking of their daughter.

“No, she said she didn’t want to take that right from us. She’s a very nice girl.” Cas murmured, looking off into the distance past Dean. He looked down at his glass and sighed, swishing the whiskey around. “It means _hope_.” He glances up at Dean and offers the glass, eyes hard and tired.

Dean takes it, drains it and refills it. He can feel the buzz building even though he has a high tolerance, it loosens his limbs and calms the worry in his blood. Cas is a little ahead of him, obviously domesticity had lowered his once mighty tolerance and he’s leaning heavily on his palm, eyes a little glazed.

Neither of them are too drunk to not see the exhaustion and need in each of their eyes.

“I seen an interview of you once, you know.” Cas smiled softly, sadly. His hand moved slowly on the counter, following the lines of the granite.

“They asked what got you started I think, the interviewer was a woman, she flirted with you a lot.”

“Cas- “ Dean tried to deny the flirting but Cas continued.

“I don’t think you even noticed though, did you? You were busy actually answering the question…and the way your eyes just _lit_ up as you talked about playing the guitar and how it…felt like an extension of you, and how singing was so natural for you and how every song was from the heart. You went on and on and I watched it on repeat for a week because you used to look at _me_ with that same light.” Cas put the glass, which had been full at the start of the conversation, down with only a little golden liquid at the bottom.

Dean’s hand crawled up to entwine with Cas’, both of them leaning over their side of the counter to get closer.

“I’m sorry – “

“It’s in the past,” Cas whispered, his eyes burning into Dean’s.

Dean walked around the counter, letting go of Cas’ hand just long enough to get around and attach himself to his husband. Their lips met like magnets, and that worried, anxious knot in his stomach that even liquor couldn’t loosen unraveled.

It was over quickly but it was no less intense for its briefness. They pressed their foreheads together and Cas’ hand stroked the back of Dean’s neck gently.

“Let’s go to bed.” Cas whispered, pressing in to breathe the words against Dean’s lips. They kissed once more softly, lips sliding against each other like air.

“You want to…?” Dean asked, unsure of exactly where Cas stood. He wasn’t drunk by any means, but he was a little too buzzed to fully consider the consequences right now. He wanted his husband, more than anything, in any way he could have him…but would his husband want _him_ , now and in the morning?

“Sleep, just for tonight.” Cas fell forward into Dean, resting his head on Dean’s shoulder and sighing. “Tomorrow I’ll be stronger.” That last part was quiet, and seemingly to himself, but Dean still heard.

They went up the stairs hand in hand, Cas leading with Dean a step behind. They were quiet as they changed, Cas into flannel pajamas and Dean into a pair of borrowed sweatpants. His stuff was across the hall but he felt like if he left, if he broke this bubble of peace they were in, that he might not be able to come back.

The room was quiet and dark and freezing, the heaters off and fall beginning to turn to winter. Cas slid under the blankets first, on the well worn side of the bed next to a new baby monitor.

Dean gets in next to him, keeping distance between them now that they’re here on this tremendous precipice. He won’t force his presence on Cas anymore than this, which already feels like more than he deserves.

That anxiety is broken by Cas rolling over and nuzzling into Dean’s neck, laying across his bare chest. For a moment he is struck with such strong déjà vu he is frozen, then it passes and he puts his arm around Cas. His arm will go numb in a few minutes, but he won’t move it till Cas is asleep.

They fall asleep slowly, warming each other in the cold room. Just before he slips into sleep, Dean presses one more close-eyed sleepy kiss to the top of Cas’ head. Tomorrow, he’ll be stronger too.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean is awakened at 3:41 AM by the god-awful sound of his cell phone ringing. It takes Cas grumbling and shoving him out of the bed for him to actually register he’s supposed to do something about that. His head is aching gently, that buzz having turned into a light hangover, and his knees crack when he kneels down on the cold floor in the dark and rifles through his jeans for his cell phone.

He can’t see and he’s still half-asleep so he can’t fucking find the phone. “Turn it offff!” Cas grumbles, rolling over and burying himself under the quilt.

Finally, he finds the damn thing and sees Sam’s name and the photo he took of him throwing up at the Christmas tour party last year on the screen.

“What is it bitch, it’s three in the morning?” Dean asks, closing the door to the bedroom gently but still whispering as he passes Esperanza’s room. The stairs are freezing, and so is the bottom floor so he rushes to the couch and rug as quickly as possible.

“First, fuck you for not telling me. Second, turn on the tv to Fox News.”

He’s thrown off by being told “fuck you” at 3 AM but he dutifully turns on the tv and switches from Nickelodeon to Fox News. Immediately his blood runs cold.

A blond white woman in a low cut dress stands in front of literal hundreds of photos of him and Cas and Esperanza. “For the past couple of weeks we’ve had several reports and photos of rockstar _Dean Winchester_ surfacing that have raised several questions. Today we bring you the honest news, from an anonymous source we’ve discovered that Dean Winchester is NOT the single ladies man he’s portrayed himself as, but is actually MARRIED.”

The screen pans wider to reveal even more screens with photos of him and some of just Cas and Esperanza. What looks like one of Esperanza’s baby photos, probably from her adoption file, maybe, is splattered across one of the screens and Dean’s stomach turns.

“To a MAN named _Castiel Novak_ with whom he has a CHILD whose name has not been released yet. Why did Dean Winchester keep this secret? How will him being gay effect any upcoming records or tours? We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds, but I’m sure many of his fans are in an uproar for having been _LIED_ to.”

“Ah, fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did research epilepsy but i've never known anyone with it, and most of my experience with it is watching erica on teen wolf have it so feel free to correct me on anything that's wrong! (kindly, because i did try my best)


	8. exhaustion is soul-deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dean and castiel hash things out in the present and in the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys i'm really sorry this took two months. i'm going on a break, from writing, from tumblr, from fandom for awhile because my mental health and real life have gotten pretty stressful and overwhelming. i deleted my tumblr so there won't be a link to this chapter there, nor a link to it from here. the next chapter might be a little while, or it might be soon i really have no idea. thanks for staying with me ya'll i love you. i'd really suggest if you do want a tumblr to chat with you should go to my best friend [apiaristcas](http://apiaristcas.tumblr.com) who supported me the best she could while i suffered through this chapter. go follow her and show her love for getting us this chapter.
> 
> ((also i know nothing about starting a tour/becoming a successful rock band so this is me bullshitting it and just desperately trying to put all my own exhaustion and sadness onto dean and cas))

Sam is off and running immediately, talking about privacy laws and how anyone who shared information about Esperanza’s adoption is liable to be sued and convicted, and fried in court. While Sam’s planning all sorts of violent legal tactics Dean’s trying to catch his breathe. He has to tell Benny and Pam, which he hadn’t been necessarily avoiding but hadn’t managed to do yet. He has to talk to his publicist and tell her to say that he’s not giving any comments. He has to tell Cas.

Telling Cas is the most worrying of his to-do-list. Celebrities work hard to keep their children out of the limelight, and Dean would have wanted that for Esperanza if he’d even had time to consider it, but that was all shot to hell the moment someone told Fox News. Fuck, even if it had been TMZ or E!News he could have denied it, could have done something to give Esperanza that normal life back, but people thought Fox News was a reputable source.

(Not to say that it is, his marriage is probably the first real true story Fox has ever had.)

He hangs up on Sam a short while later agreeing to let Sam’s friend Jessica represent him, since Sam can’t himself without a conflict of interests. Then he sits on the couch in the dark and just thinks, trying to quell the panic in his brain.

Sam’s always been the “smart one”, he went to Stanford, he got the law degree. Sam was the one on the Dean’s List in college, and Dean was the one who was “good with his hands”. But Dean can be smart too, he was the one that helped Benny set up his record label, he built this damn house with his own two hands. He’s smart in a different way.

Now’s the time to apply that smart.

First order of business, tell Cas in a way that doesn’t lead to divorce papers and/or fighting. That will be the hardest, Dean thinks.

Second, protect Esperanza at all costs. It occurs to him, laying there in the dark, that she has epilepsy, which is easily set off by flashing lights. Flashing lights like paparazzi cameras. He decides that at the very least, even if he can’t guarantee her a normal life or privacy, he’ll make sure she never has a seizure because of this.

Third, call Benny and Pam. Let them know _why_ he needed a break from the band.

Fourth, make sure Cas knows he had nothing to do with this, and work with Jessica to fix it.

Most of that seemed easy in simple words, and would be absolute hell to actually do.

It’s almost 5 o’clock when he trudges up the stairs, tired physically from the little bit of sleep he’d gotten and the stress of the hospital before that. He’s tired mentally as well, so instead of going straight back to Cas’ bedroom to drop the bomb, he goes to shower.

The water helps, it eases the knots in his back, makes his skin shine and he doesn’t smell like a hospital anymore. It gives him more time to plan, to think, to chew this all over in his mind. He never considered this could happen, but now it has and he somehow has to deal with it like the grown ass man he wasn’t five years ago.

That’s the real kicker, isn’t it? He can’t run away from this, can’t run away from his problems into a new life like he did last time.

_Time to grow the fuck up._

He gets out of the shower and shivers in the cool air. His mind is surprisingly calm though, the whistling scream that had started from the moment he turned on the tv was silent. He certainly wasn’t _ready_ but he wasn’t afraid.

* * *

 

He procrastinates for a good cause and goes downstairs to make breakfast. He makes Cas a cup of tea, himself a cup of coffee and a couple microwave waffles that Cas must have for Esperanza and stacks it all on a fancy tray he finds under the sink. When he finally pushes open the bedroom door with his shoulder, the sun is just starting to peek through the curtains. It casts the room in a dreary blue-grey light that gives more shadows than anything.

He sets the tray down on top of the side table and climbs back into the bed. Cas has rolled over in his absence and curled up facing the window. The grey light makes him look ethereal, the skin of his face clear and bright instead of tired or dull. Dean can’t help stealing one last touch, running his fingers gently along Cas’ sharp cheekbone and then into his soft greying hair. The greys seem silver in the light and it makes his heart throb in an odd way.

Cas is waking up, the fluttering behind his eyes growing faster and his breathing less steady and shallow. Dean can’t let this go just yet, so he bends down over Cas and presses a kiss to his husband’s temple. Cas smells like a hospital, whiskey and open air.

Dean hopes beyond hope that he doesn’t fuck this up.

“Cas…hey, babe wake up.” Dean shakes him lightly, rubbing up and down the goosebumps on Cas’ bare shoulder and arm. Cas groans, trying to bat Dean’s hand away.

“Sleep, Dean.” Cas tries to curl in on himself more, kicking Dean in the thigh and narrowly missing his balls. Dean grabs Cas’ thigh to stop him from kicking again and laughs. The laughter fades quickly.

“I gotta talk to you Cas, it’s important.” Important seems to get through to Cas, but even still he hovers in between sleep and wake grumpily, before sighing. He huffed once and turned onto his back, Dean’s hand still gripping his leg through the quilt. Cas’ eyes slit open just enough for Dean to see the blue.

“What is it?” Cas’ voice is rough from sleep and barely perceptible.

Dean lets go of Cas and moves away to grab the tea and waffles. “Here, you should be really awake for this conversation.”

Cas props himself up on the headboard warily, taking the lightly steaming mug off the tray and cupping it with two hands. “What is it? Is Esperanza okay?” He doesn’t move though, which is nice for Dean’s self-esteem. He’s trusting Dean more and more with every day.

“No…Esperanza’s fine. Something has happened, that…” He couldn’t seem to find the words to phrase it, even after all his procrastinating. “Apparently paparazzi found me out here, took photos of us at the hospital, and…everyone knows.”

Cas’ jaw dropped, hands clutching the mug so tightly his knuckles were white. “They know…?”

“Everything…We’re married, we’re fathers…I’m sorry, Cas. I don’t know how any of this got out, Sam is working on the lawsuit right now against the adoption agency, the hospital, all of it. I’m going to call Benny and Pam, and I promise you, I’m going to fix this.”

Cas shifted on the bed, looking away from Dean. “You are going to deny it.” It wasn’t a question, but it was a strange statement.

“No…it’s pretty obvious in the photos, but I wouldn’t have tried anyway.” Cas looked up at him, eyes wide and hopeful. Dean still wasn’t sure what exactly was going on, their conversation was simple but he could feel that there was more underneath the surface. He weighed his next words carefully, knowing that had this happened to them years ago he wouldn’t have even noticed the tension.

“I…Cas, I love you. I fucked up years ago, but I’m not going to make the same mistake now.” Cas sucked in a sharp breath.

“I came home because I missed you Cas,” Dean moved closer, pressing his chin to Cas’ shoulder. “Out of the millions of people I’ve met and spoken to, you’re the only one I can’t forget.”

Cas pressed his temple to Dean’s forehead, and sighed. “You know I love you.” Dean braced himself for the goodbye, for the too-much. He closed his eyes, breathing in the warm scent of Cas and the quiet softness of a house he’d once called home (and had come to call it again).

“Which is why I’ll stand by you.”

* * *

 

**_Five years ago_ **

_Cas is on the porch sketching a new possible painting and sipping a cup of tea when Benny’s car pulls up. Benny and Dean climb out of it, laughing and holding their instruments. Benny plays bass in the band, Dean plays guitar. Pam plays the drums, but she’s not here and a drumset would be hard to casually move._

_“Hey, Cas.” Dean greets awkwardly, when they reach the steps and finally notice him. Dean and he had fought all of yesterday, cold war-esque with vague passive-aggressive jabs and big hostile blow-outs. Castiel had slept in the guest room (and cried half the night). Dean hadn’t been there when he woke up, and only now at noon were they finally seeing each other._

_“Hello, Dean. Benny.” Castiel greeted them both, closing his sketchbook. “How are you?”_

_“I’m good. You?” Benny greets him back, bass swung onto his back._

_“I’ve been better.” Castiel nodded gently, like people do when they’re in a conversation they don’t want to be, saying things that are sugar-coated at beast. He stood up, sketchbook to his chest. “Do you want tea?”_

_Dean started to shake his head but Benny agreed with a friendly smile. “Sure, brotha, if you don’t mind.”_

_Castiel goes inside, laying his sketchbook on the counter and moving to start the kettle with water boiling. The house is dim with orange late afternoon light, but its too early to really turn on the kitchen lights._

_It’s quiet, Benny waiting patiently and checking his phone. Dean’s somewhere putting his guitar away probably, and the kettle is just starting to boil when Cas hears his sketchbook flip open. He turns around and sees Dean has come back, and is looking at the page he’d been working on just before they’d arrived. His breath seizes, knowing that Dean isn’t an art major but he’ll recognize the themes._

_“You drawin’ babies now, Cas?”_

_“It’s not a baby.” Cas snaps, back tense and to Dean. It’s been the focus of their arguments recently, the impending adoption and Dean’s growing success with Benny’s new label record. The distinct line between their dreams; where Cas’ speak of rocking chairs and lullabies, Dean’s speak of stage effects and tours and being #1 on Billboard Whatever. It’s been coming up in his paintings, which are far more melancholy and distant than ever before._

_“Sure looks like one.” Dean mutters, snapping the book closed with unnecessary force. Maybe Benny can feel the tension, hell maybe he can taste it since he immediately looks between them and grimaces._

_“Uh, I gotta use your restroom.” He knows where it is, and he disappears to it quickly._

_Dean and Cas are left in the kitchen alone, in a stalemate worthy of the Cuban missile crisis. Castiel almost wishes Dean hadn’t come home at all, but his heart aches at the thought._

_“The appointment…with the adoption agency is tomorrow.” He finds himself saying, picking at a dry spot on his hand absently, back still to Dean. His reminder does nothing to remove the tension from the air._

_“We have a big meeting tomorrow, with the tour sponsor and our agent. Can we reschedule?”_

_That was the final straw._

_Castiel slammed the kettle, just starting to whine, onto another cool burner with unnecessary force. “No! We cannot reschedule, we’ve rescheduled four times already. Should I just pull our application entirely?” Dean’s mouth opened, the red of indignation already blossoming on his freckled face. Castiel wasn’t done though._

_“No, no I’m sorry adoption agency. I know we’ve been struggling for months to get clearance, and spent actual **years** on the list praying this day would come, but you’ll just have to give our child to someone else. We have a **meeting** to go to.” Castiel snapped, pouring the hot water into mugs and splashing some on his skin. It hurt, but he barely felt it past the boiling rage. He could have sworn he heard boots in the hallway hurriedly reverse and go away._

_“I told you months ago Cas that I wasn’t ready for this, that I was starting my dream! You said you understood!”_

_“I do!”_

_“No you don’t or you wouldn’t keep pushing this on me! This is my one chance at my dream-“_

_“Do you know how many gay couples get children, Dean? Do you know how many couples **overall** ever get to adopt? This is our one chance-“_

_“This is your chance! **You’r** e the one obsessed with babies and being a Father, I already raised Sam-“_

_“It is not my fault your Father was absent! And maybe I do badly want to be a Father, but you used to share that dream, or at least you **said** you did!” Castiel stirred honey shakily into the mugs, his hands busy to stop from just tearing the kitchen apart. Dean was panting behind him, literally fuming as he absorbed Castiel’s words. If the tension had been icy earlier, it was blazing hot now, burning any peace that might have been between them._

_“I did, Cas! When I was a mechanic, and all I had was this fucking house and-“_

_“And what, Dean?” Cas spun around, throwing the mug and watching it shatter on the floor. The tea spilt on the floor and on Cas, searing him. “And me? Me and the home we built and our marriage? That’s **all ** you had?”_

_“That is not what I meant Cas, don’t put words in my mouth.” Dean paced around the counter, running his hands angrily through his hair._

_“Then what did you mean, Dean? Now that you’re with the band, and you’re finding success you don’t want any of this anymore? You just want to drop everything we’ve built and go off and be a **rockstar**?” Castiel stepped around the tea and glass to grab the broom, uncomfortable with the sight of his anger physically in front of him. During all their fights, he’d never succumbed to wanting to break something._

_“Is that so bad? To want to be your childhood dream and have everyone know your name? To want more than settling down and **dying**?”_

_Castiel gripped the broom so tightly he thought he’d snap the plastic. So the truth finally comes out…after all their fights. “If being with me, and our child, is such a nightmare to you, that it feels like death, just go. Be happy.” He tried to sweep up the glass but his vision was too blurry to do a good job, and his hands shook._

_“Cas…baby I-“_

_“Go on, have a great meeting. Wish you all the best.” Cas paused, looking down at the broken shards of his mug and all the drying tea. He turned, looking in Dean’s direction but too overwhelmed to actually meet his eyes. “Truly, Dean. I hope you have a glorious, fulfilling life.” Cas dropped the broom, giving up, and leaving the kitchen._

_Dean was silent as Cas walked away, and he climbed the stairs slowly exhaustion in his bones._

_He’d never been so tired, his limbs heavy and his mind clouded. Sadness hadn’t just kept him awake the last couple of nights, it was an exhaustion bone-deep and lonely. He missed Dean, but he wasn’t the man downstairs. Cas didn’t know the man downstairs._

* * *

 

_Dean wouldn’t return that night._

_He wouldn’t return the night after that, or any night for five years._

_He’d sign a tour agreement the next day, and get swept off into his new life with lavish success. Castiel would turn in the final papers, that Dean had signed without knowing, and they’d both get what they wanted._

_They’d grow in those five years, and with growth comes the changing of priorities, the changing of mindsets. With growth, comes the realizations that what you thought you wanted, what you thought you needed, isn’t always the same over the years._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading. comments appreciated <3


	9. not to carry on with the lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we have breakthroughs, we have normalcy, we have family, we have the beginning of the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this fic is beginning to wind down, i have a plan for the rest of the fic and i am ESTIMATING that we have maybe 3 more chapters + an epilogue. maybe more but i think that will be it. i've had a lot of fun writing this fic, and i hope everyone who does read it (whether you comment or not) has enjoyed it too :)) i'm glad i don't have to say goodbye for a couple more chapters :'))
> 
> also i'm back on tumblr at [starspangledsteve](http://starspangledsteve.tumblr.com) if u wanna come chat.

_“The house at morning time with the truth mixed in bedsheets and feathers, the origin of a day without direction, roaming like a poor boat, between the horizons of order and of sleep.” -_

  
Pablo Neruda,  _100 Love Sonnets: XXXII_

 

* * *

 

 

Dean wakes up the next morning to Cas in his arms. It’s startling at first, since he’s slept alone for most of 5 years, and definitely since he came home. But once he realizes where he is, and who he’s holding, he snuggles in closer, burying his face in Cas’ shoulder and absorbing the scent of sandalwood.

Today was his first talk show since the news broke, and he was flying out to LA in a couple of hours and talk to Ellen DeGeneres. He’d gotten hundreds of offers sent to his agent, from radio shows to talk shows to SNL. He’d chosen Ellen not only because she was the only talk show host he watched (other than Oprah but he’d never admit it), but because she was gay. It might help.

The room was still grey blue with early morning light so Dean didn’t hurry out of bed. He held Cas to his chest and thanked every and any deity for giving him this. Yesterday they’d spent mostly apart, Cas in the garage painting and dealing with the news and Dean calling everyone all day.

Benny and Pam were going to meet him in LA and fly back to Kansas with him after the interview, and his agent was everywhere trying to cope with the situation. Kali was close to labor, but she’d demanded that Gabriel bring her along since he was coming over too. Sam and Jess were also flying in to Wichita in a couple of days.

Tomorrow the house would be filled with family and people, and honestly he couldn’t wait. He also thought it might be nice for Cas, and Esperanza, to have all the extra support around.

Cas shuffled in his sleep, turning more onto his stomach but still in Dean’s arms. Dean splayed himself across his husband’s back, lost in his thoughts but content to laze here. He thought about Cas’ decision to stand by him, still shocked that after everything Cas was willing to. He was so strong and patient, Dean was in awe.

Cas shifted again, so he was on his stomach flatter, his hand coming up to rest under his head. From there his fingers shifted and flexed, maybe reaching for something in a dream or just getting feeling back? Dean was entranced by Cas, by the paint flecks still dried onto his skin, even by his nails bitten low and uneven.

Dean reached out, placing his palm over Cas’ but trying not to crush him. He pulled back after a minute, letting Cas breathe and rolled onto his back. The light was getting stronger, turning into a light orange instead of blue. He needed to pack a small bag, and say goodbye to Esperanza, and call his agent for the pre-interview questions. He sat up, his back creaking and making him feel old.

Jumping around on stage for years hadn’t done his body many favors, it creaked and groaned like he was 80 instead of 40.

He shuffled to the bathroom and relieved himself. He brushed his teeth quietly, the only sound the bristles scratching and then his spit hitting the bowl. When he came out, Cas had rolled onto his back and was sprawled across the entire bed, shirt rucked up to expose his belly. Dean had the crazy urge to blow a raspberry there, and rolled his eyes at himself. If he did that he’d wake Cas up, and definitely get his ass thrown out of the house.

He got dressed slowly, no rush in the air. The room was quiet, soft, like coming home after a long trip, and he smiled to himself. Cas had given him a space in his bed, but it had so much more to it. Cas trusted him.

It was nice to feel that again.

When he was dressed he went over to Cas and kissed his forehead slowly and gently, not to wake him up, just to feel his skin. Cas snuffled in his sleep rolling over towards Dean. With scruff, messy bedhead, and a line of drool down his chin Cas was no beauty queen. But Dean hadn’t seen anyone he loved more.

He went downstairs to call his agent, the questions she gave him seeing easy and not too invasive. He knew Ellen would be a good choice.

He was just finishing making a cup of coffee when the doorbell rang. The clock on the stove said it was barely 7 and Dean was immediately on guard. Sam and Jess wouldn’t be here till the weekend, and Benny and Pam were in LA already. He hoped no one had found out their address, he would hate himself if not even their home was safe from the media.

He went to the door, peering through the peephole but not seeing anything in the still dim shadowed morning light. He braced himself and pulled open the door, and was immediately shoved back by the sudden entrance of someone he loathed to see.

Gabriel barged in, slamming the door and Dean against the wall with a smile. “Hey, Dean-o. Top o’ the morning to ya.” Gabriel strode in like he owned the place, Aditi hand-in-hand with him. Kali was coming up the stairs still, heavily pregnant but with her head held high. She shoved a dish at him covered in foil. He poked at it, lifting the foil but only getting a glimpse of chicken, maybe, before Kali was speaking.

“Chicken and rice curry. I’m sure you and Castiel have been too busy to have more than pizza, and Gabriel wouldn’t let you suffer.” Dean knew that Gabriel had done no such thing, but didn’t want to poke the pregnant lion and just thanked her quietly, putting the dish in the fridge. “I’m going to sit down, Gabriel has to speak to you.”

She wobbled out of the kitchen, taking Aditi with her. He heard the television turn on quietly, and it warmed his heart in a weird way. A home isn’t a home unless family’s comfortable in it, and as difficult as Kali could be, he liked her feeling at home.

Gabriel was a different story, sipping at Dean’s coffee and going through their mail in the kitchen. “So, Dean, I gotta admit. I didn’t think Cassy would let you stay after all this.”

“Me and Cas are none of your business, Gabriel.” He didn’t feel like talking self-worth with Gabriel this early, or at all really. He took his mug back and took a big gulp, almost choking on how much sugar and creamer was in it. Gabriel was silently smug when Dean left it on the counter and fixed himself a different mug.

“I beg to differ, but fine. I didn’t come over early for _that_ talk anyway.”

“Why are you here then? I thought you were coming tonight or tomorrow.”

“Yeah we were but I thought I’d give you something to get you through your interview today.” Gabriel shrugged, downing his coffee like it was a shot.

“That’s weirdly thoughtful, what is it?” He was always wary of Gabriel’s gifts, Christmas usually consisted of gag gifts and joking sex toys (that he and Cas would eventually use to spite Gabe).

“Here.” Gabriel pulled out a little plastic zip lock, like what nails came in when you bought furniture you had to put together. He tossed it to Dean, who caught it easily and peered down at it.

Inside the plastic was a ring, simple platinum with one small inset emerald – written on the inside was Dean’s name. It was Cas’ wedding ring, and Dean choked up almost immediately at the sight of it. He pulled it out of the bag slowly, his hand shaking just slightly and laid it in his palm.

“Don’t cry now, Dean-o.” Gabe jabbed, but his expression was serious and kind.

“I…Cas said you threw it in the ocean.” He still remembered finding out, how he’d felt torn apart by the idea of Cas just throwing it away.

“He gave it to me, when you didn’t come back, told me to sell it, demolish it, whatever I wanted.” Gabriel poured himself another cup of coffee and shrugged. “He was upset, ‘course he’d want it gone. I thought he might want it back some day, or at the very least I couldn’t just throw it off a pier.”

“That’s…” Dean refrained from all the number of casual jabs he could make and instead smiled solemnly at Gabriel. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course.” Gabriel was obviously uncomfortable by how serious the conversation was, shifting awkwardly behind his coffee mug. “So when you gonna put it back on him?”

Dean froze. He and Cas were at peace right now, were a tenuous team, but did that mean Cas wanted to be _together_ again? After everything, could he really just put the ring back on and restart this? Didn’t Cas deserve better? Should they date again first? Should he just give it back and ask Cas to wear it?

All these questions ran through his mind, and he ended up just shrugging. “I don’t know if Cas would want to wear it.”

“Don’t know if you don’t try.” Gabriel said, after a moment of consideration. Then he shrugged and left the kitchen, calling for Kali.

 

* * *

 

Cas finally wakes up at around 8:30, shuffling sleepily into the kitchen with an equally bed-headed and tired Esperanza. He makes them both breakfast, offering Dean only a smile and a yawn when he sees him. Esperanza’s still tired and recuperating, but she knows Aditi is over, and they can’t keep the two apart much longer.

“Hey, Aditi. Wanna see Esperanza?” Dean asks, poking his head into the living room and seeing Gabe and his family spread out over the couches. Aditi pops up off her Mother’s chest immediately, face bright and excited as she exclaims yes over and over. “Come on!” He shuffles her into the kitchen where Esperanza’s being fed and lifts her up into the stool next Espe.

“Hi.” Esperanza whispers, voice croaky from sleep but smile fond when she sees Aditi. Aditi kisses her temple, gently and asks if she hurts. It’s such a sweet, genuine interaction Cas and Dean lock eyes and smile. Dean never had any cousins as a kid, but Aditi and Esperanza remind him of when Sam was smaller and still thought he was the end-all of the world. Sammy still loved him of course, but children’s love for each other was purer.

Aditi and Esperanza eat off the same plate, talking about Espe’s “ep-lsy” and how she has to avoid flashing lights. It’s nice seeing happiness on Esperanza’s face, not just exhaustion.

 

* * *

 

Dean flies out to LA a couple hours after lunch, thinking of Cas and home the entire flight. He’s exiting his gate when he sees them. Benny’s as big chested and daunting as usual, taking up nearly all the space at the end of the gate and scaring away other waiting people. Pam’s there too, standing at Benny’s side with her sunglasses on. But she smiles at Dean as he approaches, so her sight must not be too bad today.

“Hey good-lookin’.” She smells like cocoa butter when she pulls him into a hug, and it’s nice. He’s missed them, without even knowing it.

“How you doin’ brotha?” Benny pulls him into a tight warm hug. “How’s Cas?”

“He’s good. We’re good.” That’s a simple answer, but Dean doesn’t want to exactly hash out the situation in the middle of an airport when he smells like stale air and airline peanuts. “How you been?”

“Good, good. Been a nice break, checkin’ up on the restaurant and makin’ up for time with Andrea.” They got into the elevator and pressed the floor number of the parking garage. “She’s pregnant.” Benny dropped it like casual conversation, and it took Dean a minute to realize what he’d said.

“What?” Dean dropped his bag and pulled Benny into a hug. “Man, that’s awesome!” Pam probably already knew but she still joins in the hug, the three of them hugging like fools when the doors open to people waiting for it in the parking garage. They pull apart and let the people in, but Dean must have a massive grin on his face and he doesn’t remove his arm from Benny’s shoulders the entire way to the car.

 

* * *

 

 

He’s waiting backstage, idly texting Cas before the show. Gabriel is driving Cas crazy, eating all their food, putting his feet up on the coffee table, asking when he and Dean are getting married. Thankfully Cas thinks Gabriel’s just being annoying, but that doesn’t stop Dean from staring at the ring, where he has it on a chain around his neck.

“Come with me.” The stage manager Sylvia says, ushering him out towards the set. She stops him just at the edge. “Wait here.” Then he hears the music start and the crowd start cheering. Ellen’s setting the stage, he has time. He checks his phone one more time and finds a selfie. Cas has five o’clock shadow he hasn’t bothered to shave and bedhead he likely won’t brush. Dean laughs out loud, recognizing the expression as Cas’ what-did-i-do-to-deserve-this-hell face and clicks out to read the message with it.

“ _If I kill Gabriel, do you think Kali will thank me or kill me herself?”_ The text reads, and Dean can feel his splitting smile.

“ _Either way, it’s worth it.”_ He texts back, still smiling as he clicks his phone shut.

“Mr. Winchester?” He turns to the stage manager, putting his phone in his pocket. “It’s time.” He hears the music play again and Ellen announces him. He takes a breath and puts on his rock star Dean smile and strides out. The crowd is packed and standing up, shouting for him. He waves at them as he makes his way to Ellen. It’s surprising how easy it is to slip back into this skin, he’s been home so long he barely remembered this part of himself. But as he waves and plays up the crowd, he remembers.

“Hey, Dean!” They hug and she pats him on the back, giving the audience another second of clapping before they sit down. The audience quiets. “I’d just like to say, thank you for coming. I know you probably wanted to be at home, but thank you for taking the time.”

“Course, ‘course. Happy to be here.” He rubs his thighs, smiling. This isn’t exactly like his other interviews which were about music or tour or shit like that, this is purely his personal life. It makes his skin itch, but it’s necessary, so he’ll get through it.

“So, why don’t we just get straight to it?” He nods absently. “So it was recently released that you are _married_ , and have a daughter, is that true?”

“Yep. Um, I’ve been married about 25 years.” When he’d first done the math he’d been shocked, the time had flown like it was nothing. He remembered meeting Cas at 18 and from there on it was like he ceased to be Dean. From 18-19 forward he was _Dean and Cas_ , and only in that five-year dark period had that unit changed.

“Wow,” Ellen said, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “That’s certainly a long time. And how old is your daughter?”

“She’s five, almost 6.” Esperanza would turn 6 in October, and Dean was proud to know that. “She’s my princess.” He smiled, the crowd ooh’ing and aww’ing.

“We’re all very sorry to hear about her condition, which was how the news came about…” Ellen was very professional, letting him do most of the talking but leading him into topics.

“Yeah, um it was discovered that she has epilepsy a short while ago and thankfully she’s alright, and we’re coping with the change. Hopefully with care and moderation, it won’t hinder her too much.” Dean shifted in his seat, crossing his leg. “And as for the news coming out, we do have people working on that and whoever ya know, breached our privacy will hopefully pay for it. It’s not fair that I can’t take my daughter to the hospital without having her baby photos splattered across TMZ.”

“Of course, absolutely.” Ellen nods sympathetically. “I do hope that you find out who did it, and I’m very sorry that it happened like this. What about your partner what do they think about all this? Are they being effected by the media circus much?”

“Uh, ya know at first it was pretty shocking of course, and put a bit of strain on us when we were already strained about um, our daughter being in the hospital. But I took responsibility for it, and you know I do wish I had done things differently in the past-“

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean, when I started my music career, I should have made some things clear. I should have made different…decisions about who I wanted to be seen as.” Dean cleared his throat, taking a second to down a gulp of water. His phone vibrates against his upper thigh. “I have a husband, and I should have made that perfectly clear when I first started rather than have it come out as a dirty secret years later, because I love him and I’m not _ashamed_ of that.”

The crowd cheered, clapping loudly and calming his nerves a little bit. Ellen smiled sympathetically, and he was glad again for having chosen her.

The talk show continues on for another twenty minutes, with Dean talking about the scandal and how he and Cas were standing by each other through it. He talked about his daughter, and how they were coping with the epilepsy. Towards the end Ellen turned the conversation towards the band and his career, and Dean was forced to say that they were on a hiatus for the foreseeable future.

Maybe he’d go back, maybe he wouldn’t. The band as much as it had given to him, and the fans as much as he loved them, weren’t more important than fixing his relationship with Cas and protecting Esperanza.

 

* * *

 

 

He, Benny and Pam arrive in Wichita around 2 AM and rent a car back to Lawrence. The drive is quiet, all of them tired. They pull up into the driveway around 4:30 and Dean helps Benny and Pam settle into the guest rooms downstairs before going upstairs. He drops his bag off in his guest room and considers just lying down for a nap there, but he’s tired and drained. So he crosses the hall to Cas’ room and hopes he’s still asleep and won’t wake up.

Cas is asleep soundly and Dean slides into the bed as carefully as possible. It’s been hours of travel and interviewing and discussing with his agent, he’s barely had a moment to himself to just breathe. He’s not even in pajamas, and he realizes his phone is still in his pocket.

He gets comfortable against the pillows and pulls it out, sliding the lockscreen open. His wallpaper on the lockscreen and background is a photo of him, Cas and Esperanza and he smiles. On the messages there’s the number 40 and he loathes to find out who they’re from. His agent texts, emails and calls him so half or all of those are from her.

He clicks it anyway, too tired to even care. He was right, 39 are from his agent. But there’s a 1 on Cas’ and a little preview of the message. Dean’s so tired he can barely read it so he just clicks on the message. There in grey on Cas’ side are the words Dean received during the interview and forgot to check, “ _I love you_ , _Dean_.”

He ignores his agents text, and rolls over to hold Cas. He falls asleep content and feeling more stable than he has in weeks.


	10. what you do with what you have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ((i personally experience writer's block)) cas experiences artist's block, and the family tries to keep moving forward through the awkward stagnancy of life.

Castiel’s POV

At first the full house is comforting. Esperanza is happy with Aditi here every day, and Kali is happy to lay on their couch and keep Gabriel quiet. Sometimes Castiel and her stay up late together, the baby keeping her up and his own baby keeping him up. They watch Three’s Company reruns and eat popcorn even though it’s midnight. Sometimes she listens as he rants about epilepsy and how unfair it is, and how Esperanza won’t be able to play sports, and how Esperanza will always have to be careful and how absolutely terrifying it was to see her in the hospital.

Sometimes he lays his weary head in her lap and she plays with his hair.

Gabriel has his good points too for awhile, he does all the shopping so Castiel won’t have to brave the paparazzi or take Esperanza out yet. He buys groceries, real ones, not just candy. A particularly stressful day where Castiel’s been up since the early hours with Esperanza and on the phone with Sam and Jess, Gabriel buys him canvas and paint.

Castiel used to paint far more before Esperanza, before Dean left. When he’d first started the adoption process he’d daydreamed about finally making one of the guest rooms upstairs into his studio and letting his daughter, or son at the time, play and explore art too. He’d imagined little handprints on the hand-painted wall, a signature of his child in his artwork. Then Dean had left, and the room upstairs had stayed empty and unpainted.

He paints in the garage sometimes, between the spare automobile oil and boxes of summer clothes. To get away from all their guests, to have a moment to himself.

It’s there that Dean finds him one early morning, before the sun has fully risen, painting idly on a canvas. He’s blocked, the brush stroking random lines and shapes without purpose, without meaning. His mind buzzes, but not with ideas, with to do lists, and worries, and stress. He’d only slept a few hours last night, thinking about Esperanza and the band and Dean’s interview (and the ones still to come). He’d laid awake thinking about how his daughter would carry this scandal with her for life, 10 years from now she’d be “Dean Winchester’s daughter…yeah the gay rockstar’s daughter”.

Dean and he haven’t spoken about the interview, or about the declarations, or about their next step. What happens when the lawsuit is over? What happens if it goes on and on? What happens when Gabriel and Kali have their child and go back to their own home? What happens _now_? Castiel has plenty questions, but no answers.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean says when he enters, the door banging just slightly against the wall. It makes Cas’ spine tighten in annoyance, his mood spiraling even further. His house is too full, with noise where there was once quiet, with people where there was once order. The big family and the busy life he’d imagined all those years ago, he’d grown out of the dream.

“Hello.” Cas replies politely, dipping his already dirty paintbrush into the pink and running a streak across the canvas. It drips down slowly and sadly, and Castiel feels oddly comforted by it. He paints another random circle across a dark patch and tenses when Dean comes closer to see the canvas.

“Whatcha painting?” Dean’s hand comes down on Cas’ shoulder, so familiar and casual, like he does it every day. It irks Cas for a reason he can’t quite place, even as it lights up his skin.

“Nothing. It’s just-“ Cas sighs roughly, shaking off Dean’s hand and grabbing the canvas off the easel. Paint smears onto his hand as he improperly carries the canvas, but it doesn’t matter anyway. He tosses the whole thing into a garbage can and grabs a second one.

“Why’d you do that?” Dean asks, brow furrowed looking concerned. That’s even more annoying, Cas finds, as his hackles rise. He’s on edge, he knows distantly, Dean hasn’t done anything to deserve his anger.

“It wasn’t going anywhere,” Cas says through gritted teeth. _We’re not going anywhere._

“Cas…I wanted to talk to you about something.” Dean shuffles awkwardly, hands in his pockets. “I-“

“Could we not Dean? Please…just not today.” Castiel begged, a strong migraine starting in his temples. The idea of hashing out all his insecurities and worries made him more anxious than anything else. “I just need…some quiet.”

“…Can I stay in here with you, if that’s okay?” Dean asked, gesturing towards the cheap Target seat in the corner. “I wanted to play, if that won’t bother you too much.” Cas finally realized Dean had his guitar strapped onto his back.

“Yeah, of course.” Dean sat down in the pink chair, swinging his guitar onto his lap. He started strumming immediately, fingers dancing on the strings like he’d never put it down. Dean didn’t look up again or try to initiate more conversation and Cas studied him intently. He was softer around the middle than he’d ever been in his life, which wasn’t unexpected for a middle aged man. There were folds on the corner of his eyes and they didn’t recede entirely when he stopped smiling.

His hands were more wrinkled and veiny, but so were Cas’.

Dean had aged so much, and Cas hadn’t truly noticed it till now. He was no less gorgeous, no less strong. He was made, perhaps, more beautiful by his years. More realistic, more attainable.

They were too old for these games, Castiel concluded turning back to the easel. What ever their next step was, whether it was towards or away from each other, needed to be made soon. For all their sakes.

* * *

 

The next day Dean has to go to a sit-in with Sam, Jess and the lawyers defending the adoption agency. He doesn’t want to in the slightest, and he drags his feet all the way out of the house. Goes back at least three times for his keys, then to change his shirt, then to reheat his coffee. By the time he’s out of excuses, Cas has gotten up and seems in a better mood than yesterday. They prepare their coffee quietly next to each other, moving like a team as Dean passes Cas his stevia and Cas gives Dean the macchiato creamer from the fridge. The ring, still in the little plastic bag Gabriel gave it to him in, is in his pocket waiting for the right time.

Dean’s about to ask, out of the blue, while they’re both making their coffee when Sam bursts in. “Dean! We’re going to be late.”

“I’m coming.” Dean groaned, looking down at the dismal light brown in his to-go cup. Sam sighed and left,

“Meeting with the agency today? Shouldn’t I be there?” Castiel asked quietly, stirring stevia into his own mug and looking out the window.

“They only need one parent, and…this is my fault. I should fix it.”

“It’s not your fault, Dean. You didn’t leak Esperanza’s information to the press.” Castiel’s hip pressed into the counter as he turned to his side. He smiled softly at Dean. “That would have been self sabotage.”

Dean smiled back and that ring in his pocket seemed to yell “ _It’s time! Do it now!”_ He clears his throat, puts a top on his to-go cup and claps Cas on the shoulder softly. “I’ll see you tonight. Try not to let them all drive you crazy.”

He leaves, and he feels Cas watching him all the way out of the driveway.

“So, Dean,” Jess starts the moment they pull onto the highway. “Let us do _all_ the talking.”

“Yeah, please, let this be nothing like the time against Burger-“ Sam chimed in, laughing at Dean in the rearview mirror.

“I got food poisoning before a gig because of them!” Dean protested vehemently, stomach turning at just the memory of playing in a dingy club after a medium rare burger was too rare. He’d gotten through it just barely, the half-dead look still in at the time. He’d also vomited all over Benny after they got off stage, and Benny bribed him into doing things for him by bringing it up.

“Yeah and you told their representative to eat your ass.” Sam said calmly, grinning. Jess gave them both an exasperated look before smiling herself.

“Let’s just not do that today, okay?” Jess shrugged, smiling still. “We’re here to explain the situation, our stance – which is seeking recompense for the emotional turmoil and invasion of privacy -, and see if the agency will tell us – or knows – who leaked the information to the press.”

“Do you think they would tell us if they knew?” Dean asked. He was generally pretty street smart, and book smart, but when it came to legal jargon and strategizing he didn’t understand at all.

“Maybe, maybe not.” Sam said grimly. “I’ve never heard of any of the lawyers on their team, so I can’t be sure whether they’ll press for the agency to be innocent.”

“Can they do that? Obviously someone spilled the beans, only Cas and the agency even knew I was on the papers for Esperanza. How can they-“

“That’s our job, Dean.” Jess reached back to squeeze his knee comfortingly. “If they do press the agency’s innocence, Sam and I will compile the case and lawsuit to prove them wrong.”

“What if they admit it was them?”

“Then there will likely be negotiations for reparations, or we’ll have to compile a lawsuit against them if they’re unwilling or can’t pay. Innocent or guilty, there was a major invasion of privacy here and someone will be held accountable.” Jess pat his knee. “Don’t worry, Sam and I have this under control.”

“Take this exit.” Jess orders and Sam immediately flips his turn signal and merges towards the exit. They move like a team, in and out of a court room.

They pull off the highway and Jess continues giving Sam directions, which he takes smoothly only missing a turn once.

The office they’re meeting the agency at is small and generic, like many office buildings Dean’s seen. On the front door is a transparent door-sticker that says “Lawrence Family Building” in big font and under it “Adoptions”. Jess goes first, and Sam holds the door open for Dean. “Let us handle this, Dean.” He warns one more time and Dean waves him off.

“Hello, I’m Jessica Moore and this is my partner Sam Winchester, we’re here for a hearing on behalf of Dean Winchester and his family.” Jess introduces them before the receptionist can even greet them, and the receptionists face drops from polite to overjoyed.

“Oh my god, I love your music so much! I went to your concert in Wichita last year, could I, it’s probably inappropriate, but could I get your autograph?” She speaks so fast and Dean almost says yes but Jess holds up her hand quickly.

“My client isn’t available for autographs at this moment. Could you please direct us to where we’re supposed to meet Mr. Martinez and Mrs. Saltzman?” The receptionist’s face falls and Dean’s about to insist he can sign something really quick, just to get rid of that sad expression, when she hits a button on her phone.

“Mr. Martinez, Winchester and Moore are here.” She says.

“Send them in.” A gruff Latin voice says, crackling through the speaker. She looks up at them and her expression is back to the cheerful polite.

“This way, please.” She turns out of her little booth and starts down the hall, with Sam and Jess reacting faster than Dean and keeping up with her.

She leaves them at a dull grey door with a quiet sign on it. They open the door and sitting at a table are two people who look nothing like attorneys. While Sam and Jess are dressed in suits, expensive ones at that, the fanciest article of clothing on either of these people is Mr. Martinez’s silk tie.

“Hello, I’m Christian Martinez, and this is my partner Linda Saltzman.” Linda is wearing a pair of very dark jeans and a nice blouse, but they’re still denim no matter the color. Jess shakes her hand first and it’s an odd contrast by how “Hollywood” Jess looks next to a small-town Kansas attorney.

“Hello, nice to meet you. Please have a seat.” Linda directs them and Sam and Jess sit in the two chairs against the opposite side of the table. Dean sits in the third slightly behind them.

“So first, as representatives of this agency we’d like to personally apologize for this whole affair and any hardship it’s brought your family, Mr. Winchester.” Linda’s hands are open and out towards them, her body language reading _we-don’t-want-a-lawsuit_. Dean nods stoically in acknowledgement. “Second, we will state that the agency has found the person accountable for this, and is in the process of removing them as soon as possible.”

“They admitted to it?” Sam asks, surprised. Dean’s surprised they coughed up the information so soon, but by the read on this place, they’re definitely trying to avoid any major court costs.

“Yes, we have a…Meg Masters who,” Linda passes a photo pinned to a file folder across the table to Sam. “Has admitted that she slipped the information. She said she had handled Esperanza’s file and adoption, and when you were spotted at the hospital with a little girl and a man, she went to the press to ‘help Clarence out’. Her exact words.”

“My husband’s name is Castiel.” Dean protested, Sam giving him a sharp look for talking but he shrugged.

“Yes, well we suspect Meg has some mental health issues.” Christian said, leaning forward onto the table on steepled hands. “Now, she is being removed from the agency, and will be unable to work in this field again.”

“Well-“ Jess started, but Dean couldn’t hold back.

“Shouldn’t she go to jail or somethin’? Like isn’t privacy a huge deal? She destroyed mine and my family’s for what? Fifteen minutes of fame?” Dean stared down the cheap attorney’s, self-righteousness building up in his chest.

“Dean.” Sam warned.

“A breach of HIPPA _is_ a felony, and while the agency would like to settle this without the courts, you can press felony charges against her.” Linda shrugged. “Though, having worked with her, I honestly think she would plea that she’s unable to stand trial due to insanity.”

“You can’t be sure of that, though. And in my client’s best interests, a lawsuit and charges would be the best option.”

“The agency would prefer to settle this without the courts, and are prepared to offer 200,000 U.S. dollars as reparations for the emotional turmoil and breach of HIPPA.” Christian took over, shutting Sam down immediately with another stack of papers.

“200,000 for my client’s family’s peace and privacy? Seems a little low.” Jess said, taking the papers from Sam and scanning the first couple of pages in that super casual, super quick way lawyers have.

“At most, without bankrupting the agency, we’re prepared to settle 400,000.”

“And how much do you think our client could get if he pressed charges and made this a federal case?” Sam asked casually. He had his sharp, too casual lawyer voice on and Dean smirked. “We’ve calculated far more, for such a grievous breach of HIPPA in such a tumultuous time as a recent diagnosis.”

“Mrs. Masters has little money for you to receive, as does the agency.” Sam opened his mouth to counter Linda’s sharp response.

“I want her charged.” Dean said, his voice quiet but like steel. “I don’t care about the money as much as I care about her paying for what she did. And maybe if the agency knows someone is mentally ill, they should fire them _before_ they ruin someone’s life.”

“Dean-“

“Mr. Winchester-“

“I’m pressing charges. The agency can explain to a judge why they allowed a mentally ill person, as you say she is, to handle something as sensitive as adoption, and why they’re trying to get us to ignore their mistake by settling for a couple thousand dollars.” Dean stood up. “We’ll see you in court.” He didn’t wait for any reprimand or counter argument.

He strode out of the room, and went to the car.

Five minutes later, probably after the polite goodbyes and apologies, Sam and Jess come out and lean against the car with him. The afternoon sun is at its peak as they all stand there silently. “That…was incredible.” Jess says, laughing darkly.

“I gotta say, Dean,” Sam grinned exasperatedly. “You never hold back.”

* * *

 

 “Hey, Cas, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Cas looks up from where he’s helping Esperanza dress for bed. He tucks her arm into the slot, patiently pulling her thumb from her mouth.

“What is it, Dean? Espe, no.” Cas pulls the thumb out once more and puts the other arm into the hole. She’s tired, but she’s stubbornly young. She puts the thumb back immediately once she’s able to, and Cas foregoes stopping her for doing up the buttons on her shirt. She smells like baby powder and baby soap and it tears at him that one day she won’t be this small, she’ll be a teenager. She’ll be a woman, and it terrifies him.

Dean sits down on Esperanza’s bed, fluffing up a pillow. “Esperanza goes to kindergarten soon, right?”

“I’m gonna be six!” Esperanza holds up one hand, which is technically the incorrect number but Cas nods anyway.

“Yep, in just a couple of months!” He tickles her belly and she giggles. “Why?”

“I want to get her into a really good school, Sam told me about this private one a couple miles away.” Dean explained. He held out his phone, showing Cas a photo of a beautiful school that looked more like a university than a primary school. “It’s expensive but I wouldn’t want my money to go anywhere else. And it might be better, they’re paid to be careful with her epilepsy.”

“I think it’s a very good idea, Dean.” Castiel said sincerely, giving the phone back. “We can go tour it in a few months and see if Esperanza likes it.”

"Yeah, let's do it."

Dean helps him get Esperanza into the pajama pants by lifting her up onto his lap and letting Cas just pull them on. She’s leaned back onto Dean’s chest half asleep by the time they finish dressing her and flip on the night light. Cas lifts her up for one last hug and lowers her down onto the bed properly. “Good night, love. Sleep tight.” He presses a soft kiss to her forehead and Dean follows, kissing the same place and tucking her in.

They leave quietly, and he’s surprised she fell asleep so easily. She doesn’t even seem to hear them close the door. They head to bed, the day long and exhausting for them both, with Dean dealing with the lawsuit and police, and Castiel dealing with their guests. Gabriel had broken three glasses today trying to make margaritas and Cas was just about done.

They’ve shared a bed the last couple of weeks, so it’s natural and easy for them both to get into pajamas and get under the covers. Dean claps the lights off and Castiel sets the alarm clock, just like all those years ago when they’d first established this routine.

In the darkness Cas’ mind is gentle but awake. The bed is warm, Dean’s breathing even beside him, and it’s all so domestic and soft it makes his heart ache with happiness. “I’m proud of you, you know.” Cas whispers, looking at the barely visible curve of Dean’s face.

“For what?” Dean’s eyes open slowly, expression confused in the darkness.

“For trying. For being here.” Cas reached out and laid his palm against the curve of Dean’s cheek. Dean’s eyes fluttered shut at the touch, and Castiel lets his close too. "For staying." They fell asleep together, peaceful in this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow am i sorry for how long this took, but this fic is finally actually coming to a close. this is the last chapter before the epilogue (which will be LONG and tie all the loose ends). thank you for reading! and thanks to anyone who is still around despite the massive wait.


	11. crossroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: epilogue! this chapter: the happy end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whooooooa okay so wow, this project is over??? THTBM was an emotional rollercoaster from the first conception and I'm so happy that you were all here with me for it. Like this is 30K+ and that's the most I've EVER written so I'm really really proud to have finished this fic. I hope that this last chapter, and soon the epilogue feel like a good realistic ending to this story and I know that they feel like the inevitable end to me. I told my friend Amy from the very beginning, I had no intentions of there not being a happy ending.....and here it is.

The lawsuit settles with the agency paying 300,000 dollars to the Winchesters, and Meg serving her sentence of 15 years in a mental hospital. She’d been deemed “unfit to hold trial”, but not unfit for punishment. Overall, it was an anticlimactic affair.

It doesn’t take more than a month for it to happen, with Sam and Jess working hard to move it quickly through the courts. By the time it’s over, Dean has moved permanently into the house, though they don’t talk about it. His toothbrush is in the cup next to Castiel’s in the bathroom, he reads Esperanza bedtime stories sometimes without Castiel, and his clothes line the prior empty space in the closet. It’s almost too easy, too casual. He doesn’t stop expecting the worst.

Then finally, when the paperwork is done, and the money is in their hands, and Meg is in prison, it’s time for Sam and Jess to leave.

“Just stay a little longer, Sammy.” Dean jokingly begs, his ‘little’ brother in his arms in a tight hug. Sam’s nearly a head taller but he couldn’t go anywhere if he tried. “Lawrence could use a big shot attorney like you.”

“I’m sure they could,” Sam laughs before peeling himself out of the hug. “But I gotta go back. Been away from the practice for too long, and I think Jess is tired of Kansas.”

“Hey now, don’t blame this on me.” Jess says, coming up to the door with her and Sam’s suitcases. She leans on Castiel’s shoulder and whispers “He’s too tall for your guest bed.”

“Don’t be a stranger,” Castiel warns, hugging Jess, and then Sam. Sam smells like expensive cologne, and Cas just knows that even if Sam stayed here, he’s always been meant for bigger than Kansas. “Thanksgiving, Christmas, Esperanza’s birthday…I’ll buy the flights myself if I have to.”

Dean grins at Cas, glad to have solidarity in plan Never-Let-Sam-Leave. “Yeah.” He adds eloquently before pulling Sam into a second impromptu hug. He shakes him a little big, like a tall tree in the wind and then lets go with a sigh.

“Okay, go on, don’t miss your flight.”

Sam claps Dean on the shoulder once more and says goodbye, and Jess gives Dean a kiss on the cheek. They head out the door to their rental car.

“It’s going to be okay, Dean.” Cas whispers soothingly, putting one arm around Dean’s waist and resting his chest on the ball of his shoulder. “They’ll come home soon.”

Dean’s hand squeezes Castiel’s where it’s on his abdomen and turns his head to kiss Cas’ temple as Sam and Jess drive away. Their car kicks up dust, til the sun is glinting off a red dust cloud.

 

* * *

 

After Dean retreats to shower, and quietly lick his wounds at how much he misses Sam already, Cas heads to the kitchen to make lunch. He still has a lot of guests to feed, though he’d let Gabriel eat Cheerio’s all day if he was the only one. Though at the moment, with Benny and Pam having moved to a hotel in the city, it’s only Gabriel and Kali and Aditi. When he steps through the archway into the kitchen he’s surprised to find Kali sitting on a stool. “Kali, why are you out of bed?”

Kali has been on best rest for almost three weeks, the two tumultuous ones leading up to her due date and now the one week after her due date. They were afraid they might have to induce, or do a c-section, but Kali had refused. She said that as long as the baby was in the right position, and healthy, he would come when he was ready.

“Baby will not come if I never move.” Kali shrugged one shoulder and dug a finger into the jumbo size jar of peanut butter in front of her. “And I was hungry, Gabriel is outside being a fool with Aditi and Esperanza. He didn’t hear my bell.”

Kali had gotten an honest to god little maid’s bell to ring when she needed someone, and it was hilarious to see Gabriel scramble up the stairs to answer it. Castiel glances out the window to where his brother is indeed rolling around in the grass, apparently trying to teach the girls how to somersault. Castiel smiles and turns to Kali, who has the crankiest frown on her face as she sucks peanut butter off her index finger.

“How about French toast? With lots of powdered sugar?”

“With that apple sausage you made last time?”

“Of course.”

“Hell yes.”

Cas turns on some music and gets out the ingredients for his special French toast. He’d developed the recipe on a whim, when Esperanza had started showing interest in raspberry’s. They were her favorite fruit from 3 to 4 years old, and his Mother had shown him how to make jam when he was younger.

Luckily there’s a couple jars of his raspberry jam already in the fridge, and he slathers it between two pieces of bread, and does it a couple more times till he has a stack of simple sandwiches. Kali sings along with a pop song that comes on the radio, and Castiel can hear their children giggling out in the yard with Gabriel. It’s nice, cooking and having his home filled with family, even when it gets stressful.

Setting the sandwiches aside, Cas pours the other ingredients, milk and sugar and cinnamon and a few more into a bowl and gives it to Kali to mix. He whisks eggs while Kali mixes and when they’re both done and the two bowls are combines, he carefully dips the sandwiches into the mixture and places them in a pan.

“Hey,” Cas hears Dean announce himself as he walks into the kitchen, nodding to Kali as she scoops out jam and eats it. “Where’s Esperanza? Ah.” He answers his own question by looking out the window, and Cas follows his gaze. Gabriel is apparently now teaching them how to do cartwheels. His brother is red faced and sweating, and it seems like the girls are getting a kick out of it.

“Aditi’s taking a beginners tumbling class, and I think Gabriel is more excited about it than she is.”

“Ha, seems like him.” Dean laughs, getting water and leaning against the counter next to Cas.

“Gabriel was always the most active of my siblings, but ironically the laziest as well.”

“That has not changed.” Kali smiles, her voice dry but her expression fond. She rubs her hand over her belly suddenly, face twisting. “My Aalam is the same sadly, he kicks and he twists and he dances on all my organs.”

Dean elbows Cas in the side and grins. “Ain’t you glad you didn’t have to carry Espe?”

“Childbirth is beautiful and special.” Castiel says sternly, expression dry. Then he smiles. “I am much unfortunate to have missed out on the opportunity.” _The opportunity of losing sleep and pushing something almost 10 pounds out of his body._

“Men could not handle it.” Kali sniffs, rubbing her belly even as she eats more of the jam. Her face twists just as Cas slides a delicious, melty French toast sandwich in front of her.

“You okay?” Cas reaches out and she slaps his hand away, head bent forward expression hidden. She gasps and Cas gasps with her out of instinct.

Her head pops up and the expression on her face makes Castiel’s heart jump. “My water just broke!” Cas freezes.

Dean, on the other hand, lets out a huge “Whoop Whoop!” and immediately runs outside shouting to Gabriel.

Castiel, on the other other hand, is incapable of doing anything but holding his hands out as if Kali will fall over the counter into his arms. When he finally finds words, it’s just frantic orders for her to do breathing exercises. Which she doesn’t need, because 1. She’s between contractions and 2. She’s had a child before. Kali calmly gets up and meets Gabriel at the door.

“Mam! Is Aalam coming now!?” Aditi asks, bouncing up and down as Gabriel and the girls burst in. Esperanza is equally excited though Castiel’s not sure how much she understands. When he’d explained Kali’s pregnancy to her, Esperanza had nodded continuously and smiled and when he finished she had scolded Kali for eating baby Aalam.

“Yes he is darling. Gabe, please get my bag.” Kali takes Aditi by the hand, and is the epitome of calm and poise as she walks to the front door. The only sign of weakness is Dean’s steadying hand on her arm, and the slight white impressions of her nails in his skin.

“Daddy! Daddy! Aunt Kali is pooping out Aalam!” Esperanza shouts as Cas picks her up and balances her on his hip. He quickly turns off the stove and tosses the food and ingredients into the fridge.

“No she isn’t baby; she’s giving birth to Aalam.”

“What’s the difference?” Cas is honestly stumped on how to explain birth to a five-year-old. He ponders it all the way to the door and in the end he just restates that birth isn’t the same as pooping. Mostly because instead of feces you get a baby. Esperanza seems unimpressed with his answer, and Dean’s muffled chuckling proves it’s not great.

Gabriel piles them all into his gas-guzzling SUV, with Kali in the front seat doing breathing exercises and yelling at him for doing to this to her, presumably. Castiel’s tempted to cover Aditi’s ears but half of it is in Hindi, and as far as he can tell, she can’t speak it any better than he can. Cas sits in the middle seat with Aditi and Dean sits in the backseat with Esperanza, and like the Brady Bunch of panic and badly timed laughter they drive to the hospital.

This time there’s no press, thankfully, and Kali’s taken in immediately because her usual gynecologist is working today.

Gabriel and Aditi are allowed in the room, which leaves Dean and Cas in the awkward situation of waiting. They sit Esperanza down with a poptart from the vending machine, which makes Cas cringe at all the high fructose corn syrup and added sugar. But she hadn’t had breakfast, and he wasn’t about to risk a cranky five-year-old throwing a tantrum in the hospital waiting room. Dean lets her watch Fairly Odd Parents on his phone, and he and Cas sit there quietly flanking their daughter.

“I can’t believe it’s time. Kali was only about 6 months pregnant when I came home.” Dean muses, staring off into the distance of the room. Cas nods, following his gaze to a potted plant.

“Three months…seems longer.”

“Seems like I’ve been home for at least a year.”

It’s a weird topic for them, especially with the lawsuit and court case over. Now that they’ve dealt with that, and weirdly with Kali’s pregnancy ending, it feels like they’re on some sort of precipice. Castiel made the appointment for the private school tour just the other day, two months from now. Will Dean be there for it? Will he be there, but living in a different house? Will they share Esperanza on the weekends?

Will Dean go back to the band?

All these questions, but Castiel’s afraid to receive the answers.

“I guess…after Aalam’s born, Kali and Gabriel will go back home.” Castiel said, trying to move the conversation towards the present more.

“Where do they live?” Dean asks, and it occurs to Castiel that he’s never been to their house. That he has no idea where they even live, because he’s been gone for so long.

“Just a couple streets over on their own plot of land. Makes it easy on Aditi and Esperanza, and on me.”

Dean nods. The conversation is so stilting and awkward, Castiel doesn’t seem to have any words. They can cuddle all night, but talking to each other is still so uncomfortable.

“You should call Benny, let him know where we are in case he decides to drop by the house.” Dean nods again, but doesn’t move. Cas can’t help but notice how strange he’s sitting, his arms pressed between the uncomfortable hospital seat’s arms instead of over them. His hands are in his pockets, and overall the position makes Cas’ back hurt in sympathy.

Cas pulls Esperanza into his lap, needing the closeness to soothe his anxiety. She didn’t seem to mind, getting Poptart crumbs all over him mindlessly.

When Cas looks up from the show Esperanza’s watching he realizes Dean is watching him. It may be from the corner of his eye, but his gaze is heavy. It feels loaded with words, with purpose, and Cas is desperate to know what it means.

Finally, Dean claps his hands down on his thighs and stands up. When he stretches Cas has to avert his eyes back to their daughter, and avoid salivating over a visible strip of Dean’s stomach. It doesn’t help his anxiety knowing that the attraction is strong as ever. (And why shouldn’t they act on it? The press has quieted, the case is over, for now the band is in hiatus.)

Those thoughts help even less and he counts the number of pink items in this show to calm himself. Thankfully there are a lot.

 

* * *

 

 

“Gabriel! How is she?” Castiel begs the moment he catches a glimpse of Gabriel’s blond hair coming towards the waiting room. “How’s Aalam?”

“Almost here! Kali’s about 5 centimeters dilated, and the Doctor keeps saying that she’s dilating extremely fast. Says Aalam should be here in a couple hours.” Gabriel has the brightest smile on his face and Castiel can’t help but grin back. His brother, a father of two! He remembered when Gabriel had gotten his tongue stuck to a pole at 12 (and then his dick at 14) and now he was a fully functioning adult.

It was ironic that Castiel had ended up being the adult that constantly needed help, and barely had his life together. He’d been voted “most likely to plan” in their high school! It was partially his ability to remain organized and chaotic at the same time that contributed to his eclectic work, the interior designing that seemed mismatched but fit just right and his paintings that were pure emotion more than conception. He’d been thrown off by Dean leaving, and he hadn’t quite recovered if he admitted to himself.

“Hey, Gabriel how’s Kali?” Dean asked with a huge grin as he strolled up with fast food bags. Cas didn’t want to leave the hospital until Kali was “out of the woods” and Dean had volunteered to go get food when Cas’ stomach grumbled for the 10th time.

Gabriel repeated everything he’d said to Cas and Dean clapped him proudly on the shoulder, grin growing till it split his whole face. “God man, you’re so lucky. You and Kali got a beautiful family, congratulations.” Dean pulled Gabriel into that strange man hug Castiel had never managed to grasp, and they just smiled at each other.

“What about you Dean, you got a beautiful family. Should I be saying congratulations too?” Gabriel’s smile was oddly pointed, and he slapped Dean on the chest in a falsely brotherly manner. Dean’s expression hardened. Castiel looked between them strangely, and then felt a tug on his jeans. When he looked down, Esperanza smiled up at him and pointed at the McDonalds in Dean’s hand. She gave her pouty smile, the one she used to get one more cookie after dinner.

“Did you get the apple slices like I asked you too?” Castiel asked, opening one of the bags to see French fries and chicken nuggets.

“They didn’t have any,” Dean smiled, tousling Esperanza’s hair as she abruptly switched loyalties and hung on Dean’s leg. “Besides, I think we can have fries on a celebratory day.”

Cas mock-frowned but sat Esperanza down at a table with her lunch. “Well I gotta get Kali ice-chips, she’s still refusing the epidural.” Gabriel shrugged, starting to walk away.

“Kali’s a tough woman.” Dean nodded solemnly.

Gabriel parted ways with them and it was another two hours before they saw him again. This time he was a little more flustered, in hospital scrubs and sweating. “9 centimeters! She’s still refusing the epidural but _damn_ , she’s breaking my hands.” Cas could pick out red nail marks on Gabriel’s skin and grimaced.

He’d been grateful the first time with Aditi that he hadn’t had to carry Esperanza, but he was even more grateful now. Maybe he should send Esperanza’s mother a thank-you basket. Maybe a check.

A wail sounded from down the hall and Gabriel was off like a bullet, ice chips flying from the Styrofoam cup as he jogged.

“We should have another.” Dean smirked at Cas, eyes twinkling. Cas smirked back and put his hand on Dean’s knee.

“You’re changing all the diapers then.”

“You know what? One is perfect.”

 

* * *

 

There is something repulsively beautiful about child birth, something so primitive and natural it’s uncomfortable for the “advanced” human brain to think about. A woman grows and nurtures this being from the inside, the same way she was once nurtured, how we were all once nurtured, then by sheer force of will she pushes it out. Not only the physical toll, but the emotional. Castiel can’t imagine having carried Esperanza for so long, and then having her suddenly be out in the world.

They listen to Kali’s screams and wails from the maternity ward’s waiting room and suddenly, several hours after they last seen Gabriel, it stops. Silence spreads through the room and somehow, without even thinking, Castiel’s hand is in Dean’s. Because as beautiful and wonderful and spectacular child birth is, it’s acutely human in the manner that it can be destroyed in the blink of an eye.

Distantly, far quieter than Kali’s screams, is the sound of a new beginning, of new life. Of hope.

Baby Aalam is 7 pounds 8 ounces, and absolutely beautiful. He has Kali’s skin tone, but a strangely contrasting light brush of blonde hair. The OBGYN says that it will probably darken with age, but Gabriel’s starstruck by it all the same. Esperanza is introduced to Baby Aalam via Aditi, who has the puffed out chest of a very proud older sister and the grin of an excited child. Dean and Castiel each get to gently shake the tiniest finger in hello before Kali finally releases him to Gabriel to hold. They all politely give the Father a moment to cry over his newborn before Aalam is passed to Castiel.

There’s something intense in Dean’s eyes when Aalam settles into the warm cradle of Cas’ body. Whether it’s the fact that Cas is a natural at this, a real parent where maybe Dean’s been having trouble acknowledging it. Or maybe it’s the same thing that Cas feels, that the warmth and slight heft of an infant is incredibly tempting. It almost makes him wish he _could_ have his own children, and really understand.

Aalam is passed to Dean, and the sight of Dean holding an infant (not unsure or uncomfortable because he’d held Sam plenty as a child, but rusty) is even more tempting. Dean cooes down at Aalam, whose eyes are barely peering open at them all. It’s hard to remind himself that this feeling in his chest, this yearning sadness that chokes at his lungs, is _from_ Dean’s actions. If nothing had happened five years ago, maybe he’d be able to see Dean with a child and be happy, be intrigued, maybe start the paperwork for a second now.

Instead all Castiel can think is that Dean never held Esperanza at this age.

 

* * *

 

Holding Aalam, Dean makes the decision to ask Cas as soon as possible to “marry” him. Life is too precious, it’s too fleeting. He feels like he can already see age on Aalam’s face by the time Kali checks out of the hospital that night. He can’t lose another moment without Cas knowing that he loves him, that he’s staying.

Kali and Gabriel decide to head to their own home and get Aalam settled, and though he hides it well it’s a hard goodbye for Castiel. “Call me as soon as you get home. And you’re still coming to breakfast on Sunday right?”

Gabriel pats him on the back, rubbing a slow circle between his anxious brother’s shoulders. “Course baby bro, we’ll be there.”

“Bye Baby Aalam!!” Esperanza shouts as the larger family gets into their car. Aditi waves from him, and then with just a kick of gravel they’re gone. Esperanza is tired from hours in the hospital and passes out in Cas’ arms nearly immediately.

Dean decides to call Benny and let him know how it all went, and talk about the band. He’s tired so he’s not going to get into the technicalities of agents and hiatuses, but it’s only fair he finally makes his stance clear to his friends. He’s not going back to the studio, or on tour. They can release what songs they have from the upcoming album, and say an official goodbye to the fans but he’s not going back to being the Dean Winchester he was in the band. He’s changed in the three months since he’s been home, and he can’t imagine going back to who he was.

Cas heads upstairs with Esperanza, giving Dean a lingering look as he climbs the stairs that Dean can’t quite decipher. The ring burns in his pocket.

He dials Benny and gets his voicemail. He considers leaving a message but this might be too serious for that. He dials Pam instead and luckily, she picks up.

“Dean? How’s the fam?” She asks, sounding groggy. It’s only 8 o’clock but there’s not really much to do in Lawrence anyway, they might have just called it an early night.

“Great, Aalam’s healthy and Kali’s doing good. We just got home.” He sits down on the outside porch swing, taking in the warm air and trying to relax.

“That’s awesome, man. I’m happy for y’all.” Pam sighs, and Dean hears the shuffle of sheets. “But I doubt you called to just update me on the new baby. You made up your mind didn’t you.” It’s not really a question, so much as a tired statement and Dean finds himself nodding even though she can’t see it.

“How do you even know that, you some kind of psychic Pam?”

“Nah, I just know you Winchester.” She laughed, hoarse voice getting even more so with laughter.

“I gotta quit the band hon.” Dean sighed, standing up suddenly with too much energy jostling in his nerves. Staying still felt like torture, so he slid open the glass door and stepped out onto the porch bare footed. He paced, strolling across the hardwood floor Cas had so lovingly installed years ago lazily.

“Course you do.” Pam agreed, like she’d been expecting this for a long while.

“I just…I have to be here now.” He felt like he was breaking up with Pam, but she’d already accepted their separation months ago.

“Yeah, ‘course.” She agreed again, her tone basically saying “Duh.”

“Are you surprised by any of this?” Dean asked frustrated. Not really at Pam, but at the fact that what had taken him three months to figure out was apparently coming to her as no surprise.

“Not really, Dean.” She sighed, her voice sounding more alert and the sound of running water came on like a sink in the background. “Me and Benny known for years it was just a matter of time. And with you back here? We been countin’ down the days.”

“Are you angry?”

“No! It’s your family, Dean. Family is the most important thing.”

“You’re my family too, Pam. You and Benny done a lot for me, been there when I needed you.” Dean leaned against the railing looking blankly out into the darkening backyard. He feels a little better, the only nausea now residual from old stress. With Pam at least on his side, he can’t help but be more confident in his decision. “I owe you guys.”

“You don’t owe us, Dean. You said it right,” The water turned off and Dean could almost hear Pam’s smile. “We’re family, and there isn’t debt in family.”

Dean glanced behind him warily, looking into the growing darkness to make sure Cas wouldn’t sneak up behind him. “I have Cas’ ring.”

“You bought a ring?” Pam exclaimed.

“No, no, it’s Cas’ original ring, Gabriel gave it back to me. He thought that Cas would want it back someday…” Dean paused for a long moment, breath caught in his chest. “You think he does?”

“Does what?” Pam asked, sounding groggy again.

“Want it back?”

“I think he does.” Dean whipped around, nearly dropping his phone in his haste. Pam’s startled voice squeaked from it, but Dean hung up vowing he’d call her back later. Cas, in a pair of ragged sweatpants and a t-shirt, stood in the quietly opened glass door looking at Dean with wide eyes. He crossed his arms protectively around himself, looking down at the floor before back up, this time with more vulnerable eyes.

“I’m sorry for eavesdropping. I came to tell you Esperanza was asleep, and ask if you wanted to watch a movie.” Cas stepped out onto the porch, feet making a soft thud on the wood. He looked as soft and vulnerable in his pajamas as Dean felt. He inched forward, fingers tingling with the urge to touch.

“It’s okay, I was just…telling Pam that I’m quitting the band.”

“So you’re staying then, for Esperanza?” Cas stepped forward till he was just about an arms length away from Dean, body leaning towards him. There was something shaky to his voice, and it made Dean even more confident than talking to Pam had. He wasn’t the only one on the line here, he wasn’t the only one scared.

“For you too,” Dean whispered, taking the final step that brought Cas to just within hug and kiss distance. “If you’ll have me.” Cas’ eyes were starting to redden.

“It’s not going to be easy, Dean. Fatherhood is…big.” Cas wouldn’t look at him, voice cracking around tense words. The porch was nearly sunken into complete darkness as the sun disappeared, but Dean needed it. The cloak of night seemed to make the conversation easier. “I won’t let you hurt Esperanza like you hurt me, you can’t…string a little girl along and then just disappear.”

“I would _never_ do that to her.” Dean defended himself, putting his hand under Cas’ chin and making him meet his eyes. “Never. Not to Esperanza, and not to you, not again.”

Cas held his gaze, the wobbly sadness growing harder. “How am I supposed to know that?” Dean was quiet for a moment, thumb stroking the light stubble on Cas’ skin.

“I guess…you just gotta trust me.” Dean whispered, so close to the edge and to Cas that he could feel both their breathing, and both their hearts. “I know you’re scared, but you gotta trust me. You gotta trust this house, and every promise we put into it when we built it. You gotta trust that I love that little girl like she’s my own flesh and blood.”

“You gotta trust _this_.” Dean urged, taking Cas’ hand in his and feeling that consistent, reliable burst of electricity pass between them. “I love you, Cas.” Dean pulled back just enough to get into his pocket with his other hand, and pull out the little ziplock bag. Cas gasped when he saw it, like he hadn’t really believed Dean had it. Dean shook the ring out into his palm, the metal looking small for something that holds so much meaning.

“When I gave you this,” Dean started. “I told you I wanted forever, and I still do. But if you don’t Cas, if you don’t want to take the risk, if I fucked up too badly, I would not blame you for saying no. It’s up to you.”

Dean took the hand that held his and opened it. In the center of Cas’ palm he placed the ring, and closed Cas’ fingers over it. He had been selfish once, scared and lost in his own dreams and desires, and he’d put himself above Cas. Now, he had to sit back. He had to let Cas decide if this was what he wanted, if Dean was worth the risk of heartbreak.

Cas drew his hand back and held the ring between his index and thumb, studying it as much as he could in the semi-darkness. Then he slid it onto his ring finger, the fit as perfect as it had been five years ago, the little emerald shining in the dim light like a beacon. At first Dean thought he had dreamed it, maybe imagined it, maybe it was an illusion created out of pure desperation.

Then Cas looked up at him, a large beautiful smile on his face and said, “Yes.”


	12. epilogue

“Fuck you, Cas!” Dean shouted, spitting in his anger.

“Dean, perhaps we shouldn’t play Monopoly anymore.” Castiel patiently took the 500 dollars Dean owed him on his row of hotels, and with a smug gentle smile started counting it into his own high stacks.

“You’re a cheater.” Dean groaned, leaning back in his chair and cracking his back. They shouldn’t have sat on the floor for the first hour of the game, he was getting way too god damn old for that. Plus, he was losing, and losing always made his old back injury ache.

“You’re a sore loser, Dean, have been for the last thirty years.” Cas’ ring glinted off the light from the side table lamp and Dean couldn’t stay mad.

“When you’re a millionaire will you remember me?” Dean smiled, leaning over to kiss his husband and run his hand over Cas’ cheek. In their 50’s, neither of them looked like the hot shots they had been in their youth, but Dean could never not see the beauty in Cas. Every scar, every wrinkle was just a sign of how long they’d been together.

Not that Cas was anywhere near ancient, his body was as sharp and lithe as it was 30 years ago and it drove Dean crazy with lust (and jealousy). His own belly pooched a little but at least he didn’t have his Father’s beer belly. They were the hottest parents in Esperanza’s track team, and that said something because Mrs. Wellington did yoga daily and was still in her early 40’s.

“Dad! Where is my dress?” A loud whine came from the laundry room, just before their daughter sprinted into the room. 15 and Daddy’s (both of them) little princess Esperanza dealt with her epilepsy incredibly well, and had become the star of the Winchester family. If it wasn’t for Jacob’s sweet little brown eyes, and chubby cheeks, Esperanza would have rule of the house.

Speaking of Jacob, the toddler came running in after Esperanza, feet tripping on the linoleum and she just barely stopped him from falling. Like a good big sister, Esperanza picked him up, holding him on her hip naturally.

“I put it in your room, honey.” Cas answered, heaving himself off the ground and taking Jacob from her.

“Poppy,” Jacob whined pitifully as Esperanza ran upstairs. “Why can’t I have a king-see-air?”

“Because you’re a boy, baby, only girls get quinceañeras. But you’ll get a big party just like it don’t worry!” Cas bounced the toddler up and down, Dean looking on fondly before he had a sudden armful of warm Jacob. He smelt like baby powder and cheerio’s, throwing Dean back to exactly how Esperanza had smelt when she was around his age. “I’m going to go check on Espe.”

Dean nodded, “Party drama. Almost like we have a teenager.” He chuckled, still getting a kick out of the idea. He had a teenager daughter, and it was far better than parenting books made it seem.

“Soon enough we’ll have a _woman_.” Cas smiled back, heading upstairs to help just as Esperanza shouted that she couldn’t find the big pink monstrosity they’d bought her.

 

* * *

 

 

“This is our song.” Dean whispered gently, teasingly, against the curve of Cas’ ear.

“Gasolina is _not_ our song.” Cas chortled, shaking against Dean as they spun slowly off to the side of the dance floor. They’d always encouraged Esperanza to stick to her roots, to honor the woman that gave them her by honoring her Latin heritage. To do that, they always gave her access to Spanish music, and to Spanish holidays and especially by having her own quinceañera.

She was a princess in pink, dancing with her friends to all her favorite pop hits (not just the Spanish ones). Somewhere in the party Cas has a shoe box, with her first pair of high heels ready to complete the “womanhood” transition. It’s not every aspect of what it could be, and it’s not perfect but Esperanza seems happy and it’s nice that they’ve tried. It’s important to try.

“Look,” Cas pointed past Dean with a jerk of his chin, and Dean turned them in a circle so he could see. A gangly, awkward looking boy had approached Esperanza, dressed in a slightly too big suit with a perfectly tied bowtie. He extended to her a flower, one that looked suspiciously like it was from Cas’ garden, but it brought such a sweet small smile to Esperanza’s face that it didn’t matter. A smile bigger than any all night.

“She’s all grown up.” Cas whispered mournfully, pressing his cheek to Dean’s shoulder and sighing. “My baby’s a woman.”

“Don’t worry Cas, she’ll always be our baby.” Dean watched her and the boy dance, awkwardly and so so young, at a perfect arm’s length from each other. He could see Aditi cheering her on from the sidelines, a grown young woman just the same as Espe. So much time had passed, so much good had happened.

“What will we do when Jacob’s a man, and he’s all grown up and doesn’t need us anymore?” Dean kept spinning them, despite how fast paced and chaotic the music was. The party thrived around them, but it seemed like they were in their own quiet little bubble protected. “I don’t know how I’ll handle an empty nest.”

“It won’t be empty, Cas. We’ve raised great kids, and we’ll have grandkids hopefully, or we could even have another child if we wanted to.” Dean kissed Cas solemnly on the mouth, one hand moving from his husband’s waist to his neck. “I’m here, Cas. The nest isn’t empty if we’re in it together.”

“I love you, Dean.” Cas kissed him, a swell of emotion building up in Dean’s chest at the ferocity of it. “I’m so proud of our family, of this home we’ve built. You don’t even know.”

Dean couldn’t help, looking out over all their friends and family, that he did know. Sam and Jess, with their own adopted child eating cake with Jacob. Gabriel and Kali dancing similarly to them, quiet in a sea of loudness. Aditi and Aamal. Pam. Benny. All in his home, in his life. He hadn’t had to lose anyone, or give anyone up. 10 years since he’d made the decision to come home, and not once, not for a single moment, had he ever regretted it. This was his home.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are very much appreciated, thank you for reading!


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